Tinted, like looking at the world with dark glasses. When the growth of a personality is embedded with feelings of ‘badness,’ feeling abnormal, even dirty, it separates a being from others in so many ways… emotionally, spiritually, and intimately. Closeness is feared.
Anxiety arises. Any interaction with another human makes it pop like hot mercury. Though much of that has lessened, anxiety and the customary feeling of wrongness, or badness, are still issues dealt with daily.
Living in a bubble is not my desire, but my needs require an environment that includes a great deal of solitude that is steadily familiar. Upsets in equilibrium interfere with my health setting off a reaction that is out of my control. But outings are still pleasurable.
A friendly gathering offered a place to really talk. Later at home the harsh voice began banging, “You monopolized the conversation. Can’t you see what they have been going through?”
Then a softer voice quietly budged in, “Give yourself a break. It’s OK to share. It doesn’t mean you aren’t aware of their struggles or pain, or that you don’t care. Let yourself off the hook. Think of the supportive things that were said, like, you are a good friend. Remember that?”
The sun came out, yet cold. A long repose by the creek in the morning’s warm rays soothed achy legs, and my ragged mind too often on a tangent wild. A heart that aches looking back at what could have been, at brothers loved who made mistakes that I still suffer from. The ache that also caused them, that need not to have been.
The noon whistle blew in the distance as time went by. Something splashed in the creek as bird melodies wrapped me in song. After a thorough rest in nature’s sauna it was time for a leisurely stroll back to the house.
The rushing sound made me stop to look up at why. There was breeze, no wind, yet it sounded windy. Aha, the leaves are growing, and that is the whistling of currents through them. After days of rain this pause in nature was so needed as each muscle relaxed, and my restless mind calmed.
photo by Patricia
Always a need to busy my mind, because without some distraction my wayward brain likes to dwell on negatives, real or made up. While walking in the crisp air on a sunless day, a day of beauty even without the sun, thoughts go to relationships that seem doomed no matter what. Then a little bird close-by is heard, chirping a song.
Snapping back to now, now is the moment. If you’re present with where you are, instead of drifting off, then what has happened, or will happen, won’t take you away. Can thoughts be better controlled this way? The walking around, lap after lap continued, and with it more enjoyment as the present is more realized and negatives are let go of.
Down by the creek… rest. The sun came out, and though the day is thirty degrees cooler than the day before, it is a spectacular spring day; trees budding, a full out cherry tree in bloom on the hillside all alone in its glory looking much like a rising moon, and suddenly a beaver ducking under the water to make a fast get-away.
Lingering by the sparkling water a settledness takes hold, and the brace of wholeness fills me. It is this quietness each day which satisfies deeply. My environment can be controlled so that stimuli doesn’t overload my senses. Nature’s activity suits me filling the cracks and the holes with peace. .
Building from the ground up, no matter that my age has become golden. My spirit, or part of it will always remain at age eight, and many other parts lag behind because growth becomes stunted when traumas held in go unprocessed.
Look at the pieces, scattered, shard-like, curved or smooth, but all badly broken. Hold them tenderly because each is a part of me, and needs gentle care. There is meaning when patience and understanding is applied doing some unraveling. Learning what lies beneath my anger, pain, and resentment offers a recipe towards freeing myself from the agony of stagnation.
Instead of floundering, instead of sinking, look at what hurts and why. Though unaccustomed to softness towards self, work towards offering compassion, understanding and acceptance. Those are the nutrients that provide growth, and a soft to fall inside myself.
photo by Patricia
The wild creek gardens burst forth finding their way into a flower vase. Biking the canal brought many pleasures; sparkling water touched by the sun, an embankment of white flowers with purple violets near my feet while gliding by, and trees barely budding show a slight wisp of green. A few early fruit trees are full out in blossom spotting the landscape with color.
It is impossible to believe that curbing my thoughts, or anything on my part has brought this ability to feel joy and contentment— and to be able to SLEEP. The change of seasons settles my brain chemicals. Gratitude runs deep as earth’s pleasures are once again felt deeply soaking my soul with peace.
One friend is off to the Caribbean, another leaves soon for two weeks on a European river. My son returns from the Outer Banks today. My journeys are mostly within, or looking at photos of other’s travels, though the audacity to take some shorter trips is still taken on.
And that’s OK. Walks through the meadow take me to my core, and what better place to be? A place not visited until these past few years, a place unexplored, with unimaginable delights.
There I find home. There I find sustenance found nowhere else, though my life has been spent looking everywhere else; inside other’s existence, in busyness, and doing things, worrying over things, anything but staying inside me.
But that is where wholeness resides, picking up the shattered pieces one by one, as if mirrors to see my reflection… jagged and ill-formed. Gently the shards go back together. The whole is nothing like the one that began in childhood. But it is whole, and it is solid.
Sometimes the pieces break, as they weren’t put together right. Winter breaks pieces apart with her cold sun. Warm spring comes, and with it peaceful lulls in anxiety, feelings of wholeness, and connectedness to my body. Footfalls in the meadow while little birds tweet hello on nearby branches as if following me, rest my soul lifting a smile from me.
“Hello,” I chirp back. I do not have to go away to find my splendor. Everything needed is in my own backyard. There is no place like home.
What can you do for your little ‘kid’ today? Yesterday I took ‘her’ to the mall. Returned two excessively large orders at the candle shop that Spring fever caused me to click on and buy, then next door where items usually $10 or more were just a dollar; items for the girl grand-children for their birthdays and Christmas that made my little ‘girl’ excited and happy because they were fun and full of sparkles.
It seemed my energy was boundless. Errands seemed easy and enjoyable. The day was warm and off went the coat. Once home, energy still remained, even for time in the studio finishing off one last piece before the grouting process begins.
I had forgotten the importance of being the adult, not allowing the woeful child to take control. Martina gently reminded me of her. (Be gentle with yourself. Let your wise strong grown up self take care of the frightened child inside. Remind her of how strong she has become)
As the adult, it is me who must protect her, love her, keep her safe, and give her freedom to live joyfully.Though still dark out this morning, the birds are saying ‘hello.’ Spring brings me back to myself, and to life’s wonders. What delights can be offered to the little child today?