Lord of the Land

 

photo by Patricia

The air is still, oh so very still. The sun just peeking behind the trees dewy from the overnight drop in temperature but rising quickly. Like a blanket the moist environment is thick with heat coming quickly as the rays shine through. Bugs bite savoring my skin as if parched on a desert.

Swatting at each one the bumps rise after being bitten. Though lap one was peaceful, now it becomes a job to be done with. The temps are to rise dangerously.

Lord of land in this quiet meadow, but also lord of my thoughts. You choose what to think, and how to be. Yet so often my memories, and grooved ways of being take hold. 

Take hold again, progress is being made. Start again- start fresh- start today. Work to be healthy, to feel joy, to be thankful. Be helpful, because that feels so good, my favorite thing to be and do is to delight another.

But it starts with me. How I treat myself is how others will feel when interacting with me so start right here.

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DEEP PEACE

Since middle school, or even before, it was others who I longed to be. Looking at another girl my age, how calm she seemed, how centered, or earning an award over my efforts, made me yearn to be her. The peace inside, the naturalness, acceptance.

Now, as I look around at others, (when my state is peaceful) I don’t want to be them, there is peace and comfort inside me. That may change in the next 5 minutes.

But there has been a lull. Sleeping comes in adequate amounts. Days are summery, productive, and when not, the harsh critic can be mostly silenced with, “It’s OK for down time, time enjoyed is not time wasted.”

Doing what is healthy for mind, body and soul are daily goals, not all met on every day, but the attempt is made. And taking out the critic who lashes at what wasn’t done is part of the job.

Acting in ways to others that is in alignment with my beliefs and principles, despite how they may have acted towards me, is satisfying also providing peace. All is right with the world, even when so much is not. Because inside commitments have been made and stuck to.

I have done my part. Yes, you do deserve good things. You do deserve peace in your soul, heart, body and mind.

STAY

There is another place, a place of comfort, rest, a place called home. That place run from daily, wanting only escape from it, from feelings awash with anxiety, fear, and abandonment. Yet running is abandonment, and is the fear so great it can’t be handled?

Only with staying will peace come. Only with helping the one running will she ‘stay’ and learn that there is way to be in the body, and be whole. That whatever is rising, like roaring waves on the ocean, can be rode out till the emotional seas calm, a calm more endless than the storm.

Sit. Don’t grab at, do, move or talk, just sit. There is comfort below the chaos. Currents of doubt, insecurities, and terror ride through. In the core lies peace. Look, stay, what lies beneath is deeper, richer, wiser.

ONE DROP

You are but a drop of water in the ocean of humanity, the thought came while walking the meadow still sultry from the morning dew. Even out in the beauty of the fields my mind wanders getting stuck on a person or a thought, rolling over it again and again. Wake up!

Snapping back to now, what’s around me comes alive, but my thoughts pull me back time and again. It’s OK. Go to where you need to, even that safe place where the world slips away and nobody can touch you.

Yet the struggle continues, to be present, or be consumed by how this person has hurt me, and what to do. Settling down for a breather after laps are done, ice still in the water bottle, I take a long drink. Plopping it down a drop falls into it. It stopped me. My trivial concerns are a  mere speck in the universe, hardly even that.

You are but a drop in the ocean of humanity. Let it go, all the stuff, and reap in the rewards of NOW. Having all that we have, even though we scrimped and saved every penny along the way, which makes it a comfort knowing we can manage with both of us retired, should make me happy and appreciative. Appreciative, yes, happy?

Too often thoughts ravage my mind. The beauty around me is lost. Come back to now. See the splendor, dissolve into it. Still the body, the thoughts, the ever too busy mind. And then it happens. Stillness. And peace. Sitting a long while on the patio, Samuel joins me.

We notice new flowers blooming as others fade. A hummingbird visits back and forth to the feeder only a few feet away. Birds sip on the birdbath nearby. We don’t have to go anywhere for excitement, it’s right here in our backyard, wherever you are in the present moment. Be alive. Be where you are.

COMING HOME

It is easy to become lost, out of my body wandering away from feelings, or being in the present moment connected to whatever it is that is being run from. Then ‘home’ again, starting a new day after the wanderings only led to being more lost, and coming home to all the quandary of emotions, facing what is there, welcoming it; fear, the aloneness, more fear, the abject refusal to be me. But I am me, there is no running from it.

The need is to keep working at it, like chiseling a granite statue, finding the beauty underneath, sifting through memories like hard chunks of rock to the magnificence below. Warming once again in the center of me, the magnificence above and around becomes heightened and cherished, where both pain and pleasure find a place to be both at once.  

It is not about how much one has, but how much one is accepting of oneself, opening to what is. And every day there is running, having to come back home over and over, to the place inside always running from. Come back home and accept what is. The more I get to know what is there, the more comfortable a place it is, and the more it is trusted.

Running is abandonment. Coming home is warm, safe, and whole, opening up the inner and outer worlds, expansion. The red hue of morning burns brighter, the bird songs  sweeter, the body carrying the inside being craves better treatment, not as a means of escape. Feelings are OK, all of them in wholeness when coming ‘home.’

 

TRAVELS

The lonely theme, or ‘left out’ feeling so entrenched into my being is questioned then explained. It is no wonder that feeling crops up time after time, even when what lies beneath is peace and ease at how things are now.

With 8 kids and two parents busy with so many, the feeling of lack runs through me. Not lack of basic needs, but emotional ones. Adding to that the badness that grew inside my being from the sexual attacks after Dad’s death, the abandonment of death added to the list of traumas.

What is most needed now, is what I can give to the little girl abandoned. What the adult me can do. When these themes run through me it is time to be gentle, loving and kind. Not thwart the goodness but dissolve into it like falling onto a cloud.

Each piece can be extracted and studied, the losses, one by one. There were many. Though others may not appreciate my worth, because looking from the outside you cannot see, I know, and I can.

As the day opens with the red-gold sun pouring over the far trees as misty fog swirls over the field, it feels like a beginning, each day a new start to the adventures beyond, and more acutely the adventures within.

SUMMER

photo by Patricia

Something wild inside has quieted, or been accepted, and welcomed as part of my being. Negative thoughts pass through, in and out. The day unfolds with summer’s delights. Sipping the first cup of dark rich brew, the thought is get up and do something.

But no, stay. Stay and taste it as this time is special. Be in the body that too often is escaped from. Stay and be. It’s OK in there. 

We take the canoe to the ‘Butterfly Trail’ setting it into the water on the old canal, more private and smaller than the canal. Though the mosquitos are fierce elsewhere, there are none.

After the quiet paddle with minimal complaints about Samuel’s awkward way of paddling, which makes it almost impossible to keep synchronized with, we picnic on the comfortable bench overlooking the water.

The next day it’s biking along the canal path, the trees shading us from most of the morning’s hot sun. Sweaty on the way back after an hour of peddling, the pool sounds refreshing, and it is.

Today on America’s 4th, the kickoff to the outdoor summer concerts at the Old Lighthouse begins. We love the music floating in the air after setting up our lawn chairs on the grass. In the backdrop tall sails, and other boats gather for the easy listening too.

The long hot days grow short with our activities capturing the moments one by one memorializing them in our memories.