The time change is just too much. For a miraculous period sleep came each night at 10 pm then waking by 6 am. That same sleepiness arrives but it’s now 9 pm due to the time change, too early so I stay awake till ten. Then my body kicks into overdrive. There’s no use staying in bed because sleep won’t come without a sleep aid.
Fall brings extra challenges, all the issues usually faced times ten; repeated negative thinking, lowering in mood which tends to be low already, getting stuck on a thought and rethinking it over and over again, self-esteem bottoming out when my self-esteem already needs daily pushing to stay afloat, and on and on it goes. Any illness, even a minor cold, lowers my mood even more.
My brain is challenged, mixed up from being wired with beliefs of badness. Edginess occurs with the least little disruption causing my nervous system to spiral out of my control. Once that happens, especially in the nighttime, only medication brings it down. I detest taking anything. But that is what it’s for, so I do so with the hopes that a better pattern will soon take hold, and I won’t need it so often.
Tiredness wears me down. Positivity eludes me. Rocking by the fire looking out the bay window a tear forms, bulges, then falls down my cheek as another slides down after it. The sun not yet risen casts enough light over the opposing horizon that the clouds illuminate like pink puffs. Orange-brown leaves blow in the foreground framing the postcard view.
The yin and the yang. No one promised you a rose garden. Life is not all sweetness. The news of late doesn’t help. Thoughts of the recent victims murdered while out with friends in a bar caused another tear to fall. I have not become immune to the violence.
Restlessness drives a desire to escape from this prison of my body and mind… to be elsewhere, to be someone else whose body stays regulated, not this body that ramps up out of my control taking my thoughts with it.
I need to talk to somebody, somebody to tell me it’s alright, that I’m alright; to remind me of the good things I do, the struggles I still face, and many with equanimity. The memory of those that have counseled me arises along with a soft voice whispering, You are the wise one. You know the way.
Stay with you, in you, your body, and your beating heart, which often scares me in its lurching behavior that mirrors my anxious thoughts when they take flight. I don’t know the answer, but escaping is not one of them. Breathe into the moment, and into my body. Do not be afraid. It is all there, everything that you need is already there.
Maybe instead of an outside source dictating my bedtime, I take control and keep the same schedule. That means going to sleep at 9 pm in the wintertime. And so what if I do? My body can’t seem to handle switching twice year just because an outside source says to change the clocks. Maybe that is worth a try.