Somehow in the whirlwind of a shattered life, a bit of groundedness is found…but so elusive as parts fly like the falling snow. Captured inside is a kernel of wholeness escaping me all too easily as thoughts steal it like a constant marauding bandit.

Wanting that feeling of wholeness and self-liking, because more than moments have been tasted, are searched for yet are fleeting. How to recover that settledness? It might not be fully possible during the winter months when my mood takes such a dip. Great resolve and energy are resourced to remain afloat.

And really is it all on me, because the damage was that much. Start with not blaming yourself for how hard it is. There inside lies the ability to love and care for yourself— your soul, spirit and body. As my meditation practice deepens, so does awareness of my body, scary and comforting at once.  

Tame the negative thoughts, confront them, and ease the way to a peaceful life. One son in Boston celebrates with his in-laws next Thursday on Thanksgiving Day, and the other son living down the road also celebrates with his in-laws.  My little turkey for Samuel and me will go into the oven today. 


Finding Patricia

An awesome friend arrives back on her blog. Why or how is it we are so awesome but don’t even know it?

That is one of ravages of childhood sexual abuse. One of many.

My power? I do not know my power, only glimmers of it. But others do and have commented on it. Being apart, separated from self. That is what I know.

To come together internally happens in precious moments, not always comforting, more scary because I am unused to it. Other moments are bliss, the feeling of completeness and connection. Wholeness.

PTSD and Celiac Disease

This deeply resonates with me. Science links so many diseases to the early trauma of childhood sexual abuse.

PTSD Adventures in Releasing Buried Energy

I know I risk writing the most boring blog entry ever recorded, but since I’ve written about my mystery stomach pain for years, I thought I’d end all speculation (ha!) and share my recent diagnosis.

When my stomach pain returned a few weeks ago, I had another energy healing. For three days, I felt no pain—then it came back worse than ever. I knew if that energy healing didn’t work, the other side was telling me to look deeper.

For over eight years, I’ve dealt with this off and on. Not infrequently, the pain woke me up and hurt so bad, I’d burst into tears. Lately, I’ve had the pain every night.

The first doctor at Northwestern Hospital in Chicago took an x-ray, told me I was constipated, and I was making up a story about having so much pain.

Expletive referencing his character.

The second doctor (at 680 Lake Shore Drive) set…

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Breathe Into It

The time change is just too much. For a miraculous period sleep came each night at 10 pm then waking by 6 am. That same sleepiness arrives but it’s now 9 pm due to the time change, too early so I stay awake till ten. Then my body kicks into overdrive. There’s no use staying in bed because sleep won’t come without a sleep aid.

Fall brings extra challenges, all the issues usually faced times ten; repeated negative thinking, lowering in mood which tends to be low already, getting stuck on a thought and rethinking it over and over again, self-esteem bottoming out when my self-esteem already needs daily pushing to stay afloat, and on and on it goes. Any illness, even a minor cold, lowers my mood even more. 

My brain is challenged, mixed up from being wired with beliefs of badness. Edginess occurs with the least little disruption causing my nervous system to spiral out of my control. Once that happens, especially in the nighttime, only medication brings it down. I detest taking anything. But that is what it’s for, so I do so with the hopes that a better pattern will soon take hold, and I won’t need it so often.

Tiredness wears me down. Positivity eludes me. Rocking by the fire looking out the bay window a tear forms, bulges, then falls down my cheek as another slides down after it. The sun not yet risen casts enough light over the opposing horizon that the clouds illuminate like pink puffs. Orange-brown leaves blow in the foreground framing the postcard view.  

The yin and the yang. No one promised you a rose garden. Life is not all sweetness. The news of late doesn’t help. Thoughts of the recent victims murdered while out with friends in a bar caused another tear to fall. I have not become immune to the violence. 

Restlessness drives a desire to escape from this prison of my body and mind… to be elsewhere, to be someone else whose body stays regulated, not this body that ramps up out of my control taking my thoughts with it.

I need to talk to somebody, somebody to tell me it’s alright, that I’m alright; to remind me of the good things I do, the struggles I still face, and many with equanimity. The memory of those that have counseled me arises along with a soft voice whispering, You are the wise one. You know the way.

Stay with you, in you, your body, and your beating heart, which often scares me in its lurching behavior that mirrors my anxious thoughts when they take flight. I don’t know the answer, but escaping is not one of them. Breathe into the moment, and into my body. Do not be afraid. It is all there, everything that you need is already there. 

Maybe instead of an outside source dictating my bedtime, I take control and keep the same schedule. That means going to sleep at 9 pm in the wintertime. And so what if I do? My body can’t seem to handle switching twice year just because an outside source says to change the clocks. Maybe that is worth a try. 



Waking in the night anxiety takes hold. So much to do, so much to get done. This anxiety comes in waves without knowing why, though the changing of the clocks twice a year brings with it insanity and sleeplessness.

Things go along well, then not. The ‘why’ is often not known except that being me becomes an albatross. The deep desire to be someone else recurs oddly bringing comfort as if the wishing will make it happen.

Why do I have to be so different from those around me? My system goes awry with very little stimulus flying in pieces like tattered paper.  

Then a feeling of centeredness returns, and with it gratitude for the life I have.

Find Your True Nature

photo by Patricia

A nagging, insistent prick in my belly stabs messages of badness, wrongness, of being mis-fit. It is challenging to keep at it, to take a new path time and again. 

To do different than what was expected in order to be part of the family of origin, even into my sixties, mixed me up so badly that pleasing becomes all I am. Pleasing with a side of rage.

Finding an in-between place takes patience and work. I am not all rage. I am not all nice. Finding who I am, what I think, and what I really feel is still an exploration. The ties of childhood, adolescence, young adult, and middle age… the binding my mother doomed me with to compel silence is still there tethering my mouth even when unaware.

Find your true nature, my mantra while meditating. Go to your breath, as my mind wanders, and counting to ten becomes impossible. Go back to your breath, don’t chastise, just gently go back and count, one in, two out.

And eventually a centering arrives as I rise to work the day.

Who Are You Really?

As much as my mind ravages my thoughts in negativity, the soul quietly leads the way, or more often guides me back to the path. Pondering the reason for life while walking the wet earth lap after lap, one thing for sure; life is not about haranguing oneself with consistent negatives. It is about enjoyment.

Life is meant to be enjoyed despite the challenges, hardships, and obstacles. For the majority of my life that was not possible no matter how much energy, fortitude and work was put into it. My body, mind and psyche had been invaded by the hands of brothers who left in their wake a person who hated herself.

Not until my sixties had the warmth of self-acceptance began to flow, or, trickle, a drip here and there… wanting more. Tenderly rocking the child whose temper takes over, and whose rage of wounds rips things down, soothes the rawness. But it takes time, time and repeated effort.

Confront those immediate reactions which cast you in a bad light. Come up from the darkness by going  into the light of your own soul.