The Vise

Tears for what’s to come. As tears fall, the fingers grasping my heart unfurl one by one, yet the tension creeps in again.

The president says we don’t need that many ventilators, any more tests, or so much protective equipment.

The vise squeezes, and it can’t be good for my heart.

Breathe. Then breathe some more. Meditate. Spend lengths of time after exercising near the creek. Wisps of green are beginning to appear for those who look for it. Grass is greener. Birds sing the most lovely melodies for our entertainment.

The more viral load you are exposed to, the sicker you become. Front line workers are exposed daily to endless amounts. And our young health care workers are dying. More volunteer to come help New York City.

These are heroes. So too are workers in grocery stores, and all other essential workers too numerous to name.

Tears for what’s to come. The staggering amount of ventilators needed is 760,000. One company says it will have 50,000 by April’s end, past the peak for New York City. So many across our nation will die because we lack medical equipment.

And the fault lies at the feet of the only person with the power to acquire it. But he keeps saying we don’t need it.

Tears of mourning, grief, and a horrific sadness for what’s to come. Beneath my rage for the imbecile in power who is not using that power for good…. is sadness. A sadness so deep it wrenches viscerally at my heart. Can’t he hear the screams for help?

Mass Murderer

Trump’s fiasco is causing the death of many lives, and too many to count that’s coming. It is gruesome to think of, and I may be one of them. It could be anyone of us. 

Andrew Cuomo, who has stepped up big time, holds a press conference each day. The public, especially us New Yorkers, are riveted to his words of action and compassion.

Trumpy’s conferences aren’t even broadcasted anymore, because he is a self-congratulatory windbag full of lies and manipulations.

On Saturday, Cuomo held up a hand powered ventilator. He is left to this horrific piece of equipment due to Trumps bumbling and ineptitude at procuring the hundreds of thousands of ventilators that will be needed.

Also protective equipment that health care workers are reusing because there is not enough, therefore exposing themselves. It is risky enough when fully dressed properly. These things needed to be ordered from factories weeks, even months ago. Back when the Donald said it was all a hoax concocted by the Democrats.

Trump chooses instead to allow a large portion of the population die. What is needed will be too late— ventilators. Finally using the Federal Defense act to order them from one company in cooperation with GM, their hope is have a thousand by the end of April. Only one company? Factories around the nation should be pumping them out along with protective gear in the millions, and contracted to do so.

The end of April is the peak for New York City needing 30,000 ventilators by then. Cuomo’s only possible next step is this device that is held up to the patient’s mouth and hand squeezed to provide air 24/7.

He mentioned the possibility of training the National Guard to do it, squeezing the bag at the bedside of each patient. He has purchased 30,000 of them just in case it leads to that, and the thought horrifies me. There is an atom of comfort hearing Cuomo each day as he works to save us all no matter what.

They will be needed. How can that not be so? And that is just New York, the first of the many cities to come. Trump did not shut down the US as he should have with a stay at home order. States unaffected now will be affected in the months to come. How could they not be?

This has only begun.

Each Day

“Today felt better than all the other ones,” I said to Samuel, then remembered starting the day with an extra dose of CBD oil. It seemed a good idea due to the anxiety bubbling in my belly that is in addition to the usual daily challenges with it.

Normally a full dropper is taken at night before laying down in bed, under the tongue for five minutes before swallowing. It is a helpful habit to keep until safer days arrive. It may also help with sudden wakings due to an increase of nightmares. We gut laughed during a TV show. It has been weeks since laughing like that. 

Interestingly, food cravings stabilized almost immediately with the additional dose, meals becoming healthier frosted with a greater capacity to connect with my body. 

The current of anxiety thrumming deep down has vibrated constantly since the crisis began, rising as it crept closer and closer finally arriving within the community. Waves of apprehension heighten during news reports. That gratefully lessens while outdoors. Bird songs, fresh air breathed in fully, and the current of the creek meandering by comfort the ragged edges.

A beaver appeared, then a weasel slipped in and out by the bank where it made holes in the mud looking for roots to eat. A fox appeared only yards away. The wild gardens are full up with snow-drops with many bulbs popping up growing taller each day. Yellowy jonquils are almost ready to open, my term for them ‘miniature daffodils.’ The majesty of solitude, peace, and quiet smooths away unease offering respite. 

Meditation helps to settle my core, concern rising again during news reports, feeling the buzz as it erupts internally. The draw for the most current news has reduced feeling assured we are doing all that can be done to protect ourselves and others by self-isolating. 

The jerk of a president refutes the numbers of ventilators desperately required en mass, choosing instead to let the older population die. He bizarrely talks of filling up churches by Easter relaxing social distancing before the pandemic has hardly even approached it’s peak.

It is more of the same lunacy. Networks don’t broadcast his long-winded reports anymore which are full of lies interspersed with self congratulatory propaganda.



Feelings Need Comfort

photo by Patricia

Listening to news brings deep vibrations of fear coupled with anxiety. Maybe not watching would relieve it, yet every scrap is consumed needing to know, be prepared, and to be preventative. Like a moth to flame, or to safe ground?

Trying not to feel what is there doesn’t work only pushing me to old habits of stuffing my body with unwanted food, no longer an escape that helps much. Causing great dis-ease instead, intensifying fears because now my own actions are causing harm. And it is a very big clue that emotions need tending to with care, gentleness and compassion.

So feel the feelings. Oh that. Yes, feel it. These feelings don’t run through dissipating like others moving on to the next issue. These rumble on as the emergency heightens.

So continue with the things that keep my body strong and healthy. Meditation. Time in nature with the relaxing repose by the creek after lap 5, healthy nutrition, sleep, and past-times that unwind stressed nerves.


The Breath

photo by Patricia

Staying in my body, attuned to the breath, and doing things with as much attention as possible. The tiny things that once brought pleasure, still can; the sparkle of the twirling glass beads sending prisms dancing on the wall. The cat’s antics as she races around the house spinning in place because her paws can’t find traction.

The fear in my belly subsides after doing all that can be done to keep us safe, but going out into the world whips up the alarm bells keeping sleep at bay. Holding a sign through the window, the Walmart grocery worker nods then loads up the trunk waving when done.

Returning home a quandary exists. How long to leave out non-perishables before the virus dies on its own. Spraying the cold and freezer foods, the bathroom spray not drying on the products so it drips as it’s loaded into the refrigerator.

On-line it says this virus can live frozen for 2 years.

“You sprayed it,” Samuel responds to my worried announcement reading it aloud.

But the worries upset an already fragile nervous system keeping me awake. Anxiety thrums universally throughout the world, in most of those aware of the reality. Some choose not to know. For most there is a level of fear present.

Do what can be done. Seclude from the public, go to the store only when necessary, then try to go on. A tear rolls down my cheek listening to the news as a sound man from one of the major channels dies from the virus. He was much younger than me. Eyes water hearing several area nursing home come up with a positive result. The thought of the elderly, or myself, dying alone scared because no can visit rolls through my mind vividly. 

Reports of people lying in hospital hallways in Spain. Our leader is not taking care of us, and those images could soon be happening here in our country. It is dreadful that health care workers do not have what they need. It is hard enough without that problem. With a country that is supposedly as great as ours, how could this be?

It is so because we have a leader disconnected to reality consumed with himself.

Powerless to stop him, life can still be lived in each precious moment. Breathe, breathe deeply and long. We sit on the patio in the sun for a long time absorbing the heat, relaxing to my core. Full relaxation is a powerful friend to the immune system. Seek it out in whatever way it can be found.