Glands swell slightly on both sides of my jaw. When that happens stress has played a part in it. This is a sign to take a day off. Don’t go and do, then do some more. Even exercise has the possibility of aggravating it. My immune system has taken a hit over the years because traumas muted in childhood caused PSTD issues undiagnosed, and never talked about.
Without the early intervention so necessary to cope with the traumas sustained after brothers attacked me sexually, I didn’t learn that I deserved care and attention for those horrific experiences, nor the everlasting challenges they imposed upon me.
I didn’t know the condition was real and needed medical, psychological and socially appropriate attention. What I saw was that others breezed through things that caused me severe distress, unease, and a tendency to freeze up.
Feelings of safety are still an issue which is the reason for a slow-paced more isolated life than my friends. They engage in many groups; church, chorale, community groups, and many other social activities that even the thought of tire me, though a wisp of a wish to be more like them crops up repeatedly.
So I puttered around the house even though going out for trip to the mall and a movie enticed me. My body needed a day off due to my glands popping out, along with a slightly sore throat. The challenges even a quiet life presents sometimes takes a great deal energy, even if not physical.
To make changes in my behavior and outlook on things causes a grand shift from the past stressing all systems with the work needed to focus on my goal and stick to it. That raging child is ever present and too often ignored.
No, you will not react like you have in the past. Yet to some extent I did anyway. Hurt is hurt. Not being able to express it, makes it come out in other ways despite my efforts to suppress it. Will change ever occur?
Expression is necessary. After a life of suppression it is vital for a soul unburdened craving peace. Yet others cope with it differently, and therein lies the rub. The way another close family member works their way around expression causes my way to be null and void.
My way is outright. Let’s get it on the table and deal with it. When that doesn’t happen, my feelings leak out eventually in other ways not so admirable. Then I feel like a failure.
Will this ever change? When dealing with close family members who operate this way, and probably always will, it is not their changes to expect, only mine. I keep working at with what feels like little success.