Do, do, do, but what if just being? That is hard for a an anxious person, as if sitting on hot coals. Sit? Be still? Feel your center? Yes…
When depression hits you like a sledgehammer, and tears fall for no apparent reason though memories erupt plaguing my internal peace, and all looks dismal…just be with it. Go deeper.
Remembering the readings of the meditators that say look at your flaws and shortcomings without judgement, just be curious, but accepting of all you see.
With my tendency of feeling badness, what else might be uncovered? But what if it is goodness so sweet it is like miles of chocolates oozing with caramel? That what lays hidden from me are qualities of great depth, wisdom, clarity, beauty, and vast oceans of compassion?
Amends were made to the three brothers pressing me to join in explaining why it’s not possible for me do so. Now they are placed beyond daily thoughts so much because the ones who really are interested in me and my life are my real family, Samuel, sons, grand-children, a sister-in-law, and friends.
These brothers act as if they are caring, but aren’t interested enough to answer emails or interact in a way other than what serves their own needs. OK. My situation has been put forth plainly without their decades of gagging me. That took enormous effort. Maybe once again going forward can occur without so much angst.
The ups and downs of being drawn to the fire of origin family… all it’s memories, the secrets forced on me to keep, the ravages of expecting me to be someone I’m not (pleasing doormat), getting burned, cooling off, then doing it all over again, over and over… well, maybe sufficient mental beatings have occurred to stop doing that. It is challenging enough to keep my sanity.
My mood dropped like a rock, forgetting how severely the change of season affects me. The warmer mornings called me onto the porch to watch the sun rise, rather than hunkering down under the full spectrum lights to improve mood. So that has begun again.
The usual meditation routine went by the wayside for months after years of hardly missing it, but that too is needed and room must be made for it once again. And the pot oil, no wonder sleep wouldn’t come.
When sleep issues arose the dose kept going up and up, doubling over time. No wonder my head felt manic with thoughts. Too much causes problems instead of curing them. Backing down to a modest does has helped a great deal.
And the simple work of being with me begins again. How hard it is to be in my body and be OK. To not run. To breathe, and be OK.
To boldly go where no man has gone before… (thank you Star Trek) yes, breathe, go inward, don’t be afraid, traveling through layers and layers built up over decades. Move through walls guarding my interior like fortresses built out of fear ignorant of my own truth. It is only when you relax the herculean sinews straining to keep you out of yourself that suddenly you arrive at your core.
Galaxies of resistance can be battled by a single breath. And then? The miracle of knowing who you are, what you want, what you need to do, and who you need to address.
Armor is melted by the breath.
Resistance is too.
And so you find love and all the things you’ve been searching for…. Knowledge of the why’s for your actions which confuse you, tending to ask others why you do what you do.
How would they know? You know, but you have to be brave enough to look. It isn’t all bad in there. There are things to do to make amends.
There is also beauty in my truth. You must honor that too, perhaps the hardest things to do… to honor one’s own beauty.
And the fervor internally subsides. After a life-time of upset, calm. Instead of maneuvering myself back into chaos because I’m used to it, the thought all consuming is… it’s OK to live out your life peacefully.
The gift if you take it is tranquility.
Though mother-nature threw a hot sticky week in at the tail end of summer, my skinny dipping days are numbered. After becoming sweaty during meadow walks, it isn’t easy pulling up a bathing suit over my body- so why bother? Neighbors can’t see through all the foliage and trees we planted, so go for it!
And it is heaven, bobbing up and under, feeling the cool water over my skin washing off the stinky mosquito spray needed to fight off those needle nosed poison pokers as big as crocodiles. Glorious.
It is new to almost wish for the first frost weeks, or months away, just to kill those suckers off. After the rains mid-summer, they began hatching thriving more and more after every rain of which there’s been many.
But isn’t that the way of life? Taking the good with the bad, and finding common ground for both. Be steady. Find your peace. And keep your boat afloat.
Once again the ease of life presents her gifts before me, as she always does, but often my ability to be present, calm, and centered is so off I cannot let them penetrate. The lavender’s scent in baskets can be noted, though it’s been there all along the past week. The scented candle in the warmer seems especially fragrant. And a slight feeling of boredom sets in.
That’s when I know I am there at my center feeling peace. Because after a life of cortisol bursting days where my jumpiness is at the ready along with screams of terror at any little surprise, peace can sometimes be confused with boredom. It’s not boredom, the calm gives me with peace equating to happiness, even bliss.
Days home after camping, walks daily in the meadow with ‘mother’ nurturing me with her bounty of caresses… Hermie the young buck in the field lifting his head wondering what I’m doing in his territory, the graceful heron floating by over the water, the natural bouquet of blossoming milkweeds emitting a luscious scent amidst a spray of look-a-like wild baby breath, all these gifts are finally able to reach my center after a week of quiet, beauty, and plenty of sleep unaided by drugs.
We wake each day anew. Not what was yesterday, or this time last year, sometimes wondering where she is, only remembering the very best days when peace filled me. Because not every day is like that.
You must go with what is now. Though growth occurs that does not mean it comes easily or without pain. It does mean without backsliding. Yet once hurdles are successfully mounted, the ropes of growth pull me back to the hilltop more quickly.
There is an insistence to go my core, yet barriers stop me. Unseen curtains shielding the way. It takes work to go slow enough to enter the sacred space of internal wisdom and clarity.
That is where solace is found, wanting to go there again, working toward that goal. The barriers are resistance to my truths, not wanting to face my humanness, foibles, character flaws, or maybe hardest, my talents, achievements, generosity, sweetness, or anything else on plus side.
Pull back the curtains and see what’s there. Accept all there is, work on what’s needed, try not to judge, and just be.
Life isn’t always rose gardens, it’s not easy. Remember the basics, when feeling scattered, which is often right now, go to the core.
Feel your center if you can find it. Peace is there. No matter how rocky the waters, go deep to find peace, almost like diving under where no sound is heard.
The quiet, the peace, the soothing comfort of being rocked. All that awaits inside by opening to oneself. Not discarding oneself, but welcoming all that you are, the good, bad, and beautiful.
The roiling gurgling stomach is over. My poor tummy reacted to the town’s water that wasn’t chlorinated enough. The melting then overflow called for adjustments to the water that didn’t come in time. This has happened before many time but pinning it down to the town’s water wasn’t conclusive till now. From now on all my water must be boiled. A week of being too sick to even go outside is enough. Others don’t seem as sensitive to the increase of organisms in water, but too often my body is.
Finally back to normal, the sunshine pulled me happily out with pleasant success. My boots plod along through icy patches, snow, and bare earth. The songbirds sweet chirps after a quiet winter filled me up. The repose creek-side with warm sun on the my back made the stay lengthy as the overfilled stream gurgled past like sparkling diamonds glittering by.
Nearby in the wild gardens flower buds burst through. Honeysuckle bushes reveal tiny green buds. Geese honk in groups overhead swooping down to rest not far away. Sun warms through cold air, the rays noticeably warmer than a few weeks ago.
The euphoria of spring mixed with the remnants of depression make for a mix up of emotion, but all invited in where balance is sought as warmth meets cold. Such an exciting time already here if you look for it.