Once again the ease of life presents her gifts before me, as she always does, but often my ability to be present, calm, and centered is so off I cannot let them penetrate. The lavender’s scent in baskets can be noted, though it’s been there all along the past week. The scented candle in the warmer seems especially fragrant. And a slight feeling of boredom sets in.
That’s when I know I am there at my center feeling peace. Because after a life of cortisol bursting days where my jumpiness is at the ready along with screams of terror at any little surprise, peace can sometimes be confused with boredom. It’s not boredom, the calm gives me with peace equating to happiness, even bliss.
Days home after camping, walks daily in the meadow with ‘mother’ nurturing me with her bounty of caresses… Hermie the young buck in the field lifting his head wondering what I’m doing in his territory, the graceful heron floating by over the water, the natural bouquet of blossoming milkweeds emitting a luscious scent amidst a spray of look-a-like wild baby breath, all these gifts are finally able to reach my center after a week of quiet, beauty, and plenty of sleep unaided by drugs.
We wake each day anew. Not what was yesterday, or this time last year, sometimes wondering where she is, only remembering the very best days when peace filled me. Because not every day is like that.
You must go with what is now. Though growth occurs that does not mean it comes easily or without pain. It does mean without backsliding. Yet once hurdles are successfully mounted, the ropes of growth pull me back to the hilltop more quickly.
There is an insistence to go my core, yet barriers stop me. Unseen curtains shielding the way. It takes work to go slow enough to enter the sacred space of internal wisdom and clarity.
That is where solace is found, wanting to go there again, working toward that goal. The barriers are resistance to my truths, not wanting to face my humanness, foibles, character flaws, or maybe hardest, my talents, achievements, generosity, sweetness, or anything else on plus side.
Pull back the curtains and see what’s there. Accept all there is, work on what’s needed, try not to judge, and just be.
The roiling gurgling stomach is over. My poor tummy reacted to the town’s water that wasn’t chlorinated enough. The melting then overflow called for adjustments to the water that didn’t come in time. This has happened before many time but pinning it down to the town’s water wasn’t conclusive till now. From now on all my water must be boiled. A week of being too sick to even go outside is enough. Others don’t seem as sensitive to the increase of organisms in water, but too often my body is.
Finally back to normal, the sunshine pulled me happily out with pleasant success. My boots plod along through icy patches, snow, and bare earth. The songbirds sweet chirps after a quiet winter filled me up. The repose creek-side with warm sun on the my back made the stay lengthy as the overfilled stream gurgled past like sparkling diamonds glittering by.
Nearby in the wild gardens flower buds burst through. Honeysuckle bushes reveal tiny green buds. Geese honk in groups overhead swooping down to rest not far away. Sun warms through cold air, the rays noticeably warmer than a few weeks ago.
The euphoria of spring mixed with the remnants of depression make for a mix up of emotion, but all invited in where balance is sought as warmth meets cold. Such an exciting time already here if you look for it.