Glum though the day is brilliantly sunny, and perfectly summery. Last night the booming rocketing of firework bombs around the countryside kept me up well past midnight.
The celebrations of July 4th, once excited over especially when our boys were young, feeding off their excitement, is not a holiday enjoyed anymore- except that Shane brought the grand-children over the day prior for a picnic, swim, and overall fun and laughter.
Glum. Samuel and I were going to bike along the water today while Cory and Shane both celebrate with in-laws. They celebrate all holidays with in-laws, and why not, they have extended families; brothers, and sisters who have their own kids to play with theirs.
We have just us, though we try to offer fun; poppers to snap on the concrete, a brand new dirt bike for the meadow no one rides, a new basketball hoop attached to the shed roof hardly used that Samuel was against because it meant putting holes in the roof, but he did it anyway… for me.
Perhaps it is just not enough for modern days kids with so many activities; classes such as dance, taekwondo, and karate. And sports; lacrosse, soccer, and basketball. Then there is Scouting, plus they have a pool grander than ours with a diving board at the deep end since it is inground. We have only of ourselves to offer, not quite the same.
Though nostalgia saddens me deep to my bones, so does gratitude. My sons have extended families that I cannot give them. My job is done. Time required to care for myself as needs increase with age is plenty, something I am deeply thankful for.
I have no extended family, not really. 4 out of 7 sexually attacked me mercilessly. The other three, two who live within 45 minutes of me? Detrimental and highly toxic to my health, growth, and well-being. Their denial of who I really am causes me to disappear, pushing my hard won equanimity to vanish, falling into a chasm stuck, dangerously losing myself, doubt eating me up till nothing is left.
After such a hard night, my only desire is to walk the meadow. Then walk more, mother calming, soothing, and mine. Walk until tiredness seeps in with the gorgeous day and time on my own. Laps double the usual amount, but not forced, enjoyed, thoroughly. Thank you mother.
These sleepless nights are here to stay as my body ages and the life of over used adrenaline and drained out cortisol tired it out so much even tiny (or in this case bigger) events send my internal rockets off.