Three or four days of a peaceful lull, good sleep, warm sunny days, a deep feeling of tranquility. Then every thought goes awry, or more so feelings are scattered, negative, and self-defeating. Tears come without knowing why. It reminds me of spring’s past, always a waterfall of tears often with no source known, they just come, and come, and come.
We sit by the creek watching the action. Weasels slipping, sliding, and playing in the water. A brown duck sticks her beak out of the box high up on the pole in the reeds. The flower bulbs planted a few years back have quadrupled in size spreading their glory in the wild gardens around us.
“You think too much,” Samuel says quietly.
“Evidently I don’t think enough, because I can’t figure things out,” I respond slightly defensive.
We sit some more, neither of us getting too revved up like in prior years when just about any comment from him would set me off. Sometimes a gem of a comment leaves his lips, but mostly another human being cannot grasp the wildness of a heart and mind fractured by one sexually abused as a child. Then living with it suppressed inside where it festers, grows, and breaks every part of her. The effects of suppressed trauma takes its toll, takes a life. No one around me knows about that.
Desperate for a reason to explain these blissful periods that typhoon into hyper negativity then tears… there is no real reason, though my squirrel brain is busy coming up with zillions of them, all my failures, shortcomings, and mistakes.
Or it may have to do with my younger brother calling to ask to stay for a visit in May. Also to get together with the other two siblings in the city. This get-together stuff is a basket of snakes because finally now I’m included? Do I want to be? It feels dangerous and toxic.
Raymond would say that is personalization, making every negative thing somehow my doing. Personalization: Cognitive distortions are simply ways that our mind convinces us of something that isn’t really true. These inaccurate thoughts are usually used to reinforce negative thinking or emotions — telling ourselves things that sound rational and accurate, but really only serve to keep us feeling bad about ourselves.
A good therapist would be helpful when my mind goes in tangents, but? Then there’s going, and talking, and allowing another to really know me. It wearies me to think of it. But another call was made recently to see if she has openings.
There might not be any reason for the turmoil other than the change of seasons, from darkness to more light which causes havoc in the balance of brain chemicals… every year for as long I can remember.
It is in spring that tears flow seemingly out of nowhere. It is best to let them. All the jumbled up feelings, thoughts and emotions that were managed over winter blizzard into a hurricane of confusion. The most that can done is to ride the waves trying to tame the harsh voice into a kinder and gentler one, and wait for the sun.
When sadness comes and you don’t know why, make a cake for a friend. Brighten someone’s else’s day. It didn’t help me fall asleep last night, but it did move me through an anxiety filled morning planting me firmly in the kitchen doing something useful. And who doesn’t like the aroma of chocolate?