Low mood, sleeping issues, lack of pleasure in the usual activities, and the dwindling of that surge of hope that invigorates each day. Remember these? This is what occurs every winter, and the days approaching it. And it has occurred every year of my adult life.
Insisting it not be so will not make it so. Denial only makes it harder. The full spectrum lights started weeks ago was given up after a day or two. You need them. My brain runs amok without proper nutrition, sunlight or a facsimile of it.
“Why can’t I be normal,” I cry to Samuel. “I want to be someone else. I want to be you, or anybody else. Everyone else is normal!” I burst forth as tears fell.
“Other people aren’t ‘normal,’ he responds with a huff in his voice because the thought is preposterous.
Of course it is, yet lying next to him at 1 AM while he snores makes me feel like a crazy weirdo.
The problem interfering with sleep isn’t the senate vote as I’d pondered, though another person will be on the judicial bench who also makes my stomach wretch. The problem is the same one every year, shorter days affecting the chemicals in my brain sucking up serotonin like an evil vacuum.
Not wanting to take an antidepressant means caring for myself in other ways. Though I am a very good candidate for anti-depressants year-round, it feels like my brain is being controlled by an intruder and panic sets in.
Depression is no joke and must be taken seriously. Using the lights every morning is necessary. Working hard every day to care for my body in other ways is also crucial, including proper nutrition, and exercise in the form of walking or the elliptical trainer.
The times when movement feels like just too much are the times when it’s most needed. During the course of movement a lighter feeling replaces the low one, or at least brings my mood up. Happy chemicals are activated or increased.
Taking care of all aspects of my being takes work, focus, and sticking to goals which includes confronting the negative voices so loud sometimes it’s all I hear. The work of living continues…
front porch shrubbery