photo by Patricia
When life turns a corner in later years the body is less able to keep up with the mind which stays young. The reason why, what’s the point crops up. Let’s just speed the process and be done with it.
Challenges loom larger, and life takes work. That is true for all stages. Retirement does not bring eternal bliss. The stress of raising children, then getting them through college and beyond, along with the need for money to pay for it, is replaced by other challenges.
Failings in health, thus worries over what might happen, often intrude. Others my age have already died from one thing or another. Curbing thoughts over these real concerns takes effort. Just get on with it or such thoughts will drown you in fear.
My brain races ahead while sipping morning coffee. When a child suffers trauma that goes inside her, rather than being processed, it can cause life-long damage to the brain and nervous system.
Just be done with it so that each day courage does not have to be mustered to live it. Fall doubles the challenges already faced; fitful sleeping, and repetitive negative thoughts that bark in my head relentlessly about weaknesses and failures. If the voices lie, or are not rational, it makes no difference.
The clanging of self-negativity grew from the age of eight with the first sexual attack by a loved brother, amplified by the reactions from others afterwards, and the lack of intervention. I was terrorized, traumatized, ripped apart, and it didn’t matter. I was ignored. As a child of 8, the lack of help in any way crippled my vulnerable growing years, shaping my personality to forever attack itself.
The negative conclusions about myself ripened and solidified as the years passed. My injured brain needs so much care, attention and love. Love is the hardest emotion to muster and let flourish. It is dangerous to love. The tiny spark deep down that allows for warmth and softness must be sheltered, protected and thickly covered as if in a cave. If injured further it could be extinguished completely.
There are days when autopilot runs things. The robot me does what needs to be done. Then there are days when asking what’s the point brings me to the present moment. In that moment warmth flows with living fuller… the shape of my hand as the skin stretches over bones delicately, the prisms of light dancing on the carpet, and most especially the love of my sons whose lives have grown in ways mine never did.