photo by Patricia
Now I lay me down sleep, my childhood prayer erupts. Asking god to guide me, reminding myself there are no worries, no one that I’ve injured or need to fret over; not at this time anyway. Sleep does comes, as she watches above hearing my prayers.
Such little things can interject into my mind and cause havoc. But not this lull from repetitive negative thinking. And with sleep comes calmer days with enough energy to exercise my body by walking the meadow with the luxury of resting by the creek. Oh, the quiet, balanced by bird twittering with frogs in the background like drums to the melodies.
Flowers are abundant everywhere, evidence of my earlier work. Blues, yellows, and white, like stars shining their happy faces up at me. Mosaics sparkle at every step, some by the creek, and others in every garden around the house. They shimmer so grand it makes me squint as cascades of rainbow prisms explode.
It comes, that all together feeling of wholeness, calm, and having it be OK to be here. In spring there is a leap between the dead zone and peaceful living. It is difficult to be conscious, wondering how others do it. Because for me, fear rules, anxiety a beast with claws puncturing my chest furling its claws around my heart, squeezing it.
Mornings, once my best time, are spent easing anxiety. Breathe. Slow down. Be in the moment, stop racing. Feel the metal pan as your hand smooths the soap off. Why are you hurrying? Where are you going? This is where you are going…now.
This IS your life, each moment, and you are OK. Yes, you are as special and important as any other. If you choose to, and need to live a quiet, solitary life, it is OK. If you come from a family of ten, but have none of them, that is OK too.
You haven’t failed. You have chosen to live authentically. It may feel wrong, to do what is right for you, but it is the most right thing you have ever done. You are OK, you are OK.
You have chosen your family—Samuel, my sons, grand-children, and friends. It is more than enough. You owe nothing but loyalty to yourself. It is OK. You are OK. It is during these peaceful times that the studio beckons which makes the cat happy as she curls up next to my work on the studio bench.
As the day yawns before me, anxiety is quelled, and the work of living goes on…