FINDING ME

Mixing the pot oil after one vial was emptied may have changed the dosage. Or perhaps the sleep issues have erupted due to extraneous occurrences such as a friend contracting Covid, or allowing more closeness with origin family members.

Is that safe for me? Feeling such vulnerability over it, and exposing myself to more harm? Or perhaps letting love in is what scares me? It isn’t easy to know the difference for a person using all her energy to get away from the center where all feelings flow.

Go there, get away? Going there means fully feeling things unwanted which include sadness, despair, and futility. Others want positivity so positivity is displayed despite the other feelings swimming around.

My intent is not to burden others, yet it is also a time in my life, perhaps the first time, for an authentic presentation of self. For what’s real to come forward, to bubble up as real. Not for you to like, dislike, or to please you. But to live in this life as I wish, as I am, once I find her.

9 thoughts on “FINDING ME

  1. I thought of you as I read a recent Instagram post from a wounded healer. These days he’s a counselor, I believe. Anyway, hope you don’t mind if I share his wisdom. “There will be people who remain committed to those who have harmed you after you have spoken up. These are not your people.

    I talk often about the difficulties of not feeling the proper support in order to speak up and share your story. The two elements in each of us sharing our stories that are most impactful is 1). To get the proper help and 2). Receive validation for what we’ve experienced.

    When our story is told to someone and that someone remains committed and supportive to someone who has harmed you, there must be boundaries in place with this individual.”

    This struck me because for so very long I wanted approval from family who kept supporting my brother after all he did to me. No more!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. So confusing, the mix of feelings when accepting some of the push to be a part of this little ‘family’ formed over the last few years without me.
      Then to feel pressed to join in. As if there’s a family, at least one that I feel secure in. I don’t trust any of them. Yet the longing for it… oh that.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I truly understand. When I healed the longing for a “big brother” and separated from him, I didn’t anticipate the utter inability of his wife to have any true empathy for me, even though for years we were close. I’ve lost half my family, and am working my way through that.

        Like

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