APRIL

Woke this morning and thought about the last two days of crying, not talking to Samuel, so hurt and so angry I wouldn’t even pick up the phone when Shane or Cory called. So sullen, unforgiving, and hurting. And I’d rather understand not punish myself or be too harsh. And I think I do understand. April. Labile. Emotions up and down, a lot of downs. Where I collapse and need a friend to pick me up. Someone to listen and not take what I say too seriously because my brain chemicals are all awry. Happens every year. 

I remember sitting out in the greenhouse gardens just flooding Sue with gibber jabber. She listened and smiled. And with Mary, I’m sure it’s not the first time. So I’m back to the dial set in the middle and what a nice feeling. Back to just so, ho hum, ok, and feeling grateful. I just couldn’t feel grateful no matter how much I told myself I should be, to let it go, stop making such a big deal, didn’t work. I wouldn’t let it. I needed to vent. To unload. I even thought of a therapist, but I called Mary.

All this because Samuel said, “Happy Birthday.” That’s it and I knew instinctively that was all it would be. Here’s a sexist statement, men don’t realize how much the little things mean. That is why I cried the most over his mother’s grave. It took me awhile to figure out where the tears were coming from because it’s been six years and their losses don’t cut like that anymore. I cried over his Mom because she was no longer here to give me a cake and present.

It took two days of feeling sorry for myself. Luckily last night I gave up and called a friend; poured my heart out and felt better. I get loopy in the springtime. I have always reacted to the shorter days of winter, falling downwards as early as August, then staying at a lower level all winter. And in spring I get loopy, feeling high one minute and down the next. Really down. I just can’t cope! And I’ve done it before in spring, sat with a friend and just talked and cried. It’s a coming up and out.

Luckily I have taken the risk and kept trying till I made friends, and friends who are worth keeping. And they listen, smile and accept me, even when I get emotional and cry, cry, cry. I feel so much better after unloading to Mary, who certainly knows husbands. She’s so funny and makes serious me laugh so hard and manages to say all the right things. Like when her hours at one job were shorter and she came home earlier, her husband who’d retired, asked unhappily, “Are you always coming home this early?”

She also reminded me, Samuel is always here for me. And of course he is in all the ways that matter and all the ways you’d want a friend to be there. So I started talking to the poor man again. I really thought my days of pouting were over. Not so!