COURAGE

You must remember when lying there unable to sleep in the middle of the night when your heart starts beating fast with fear, you did nothing wrong.

My words, speaking up to siblings about truths that have needed airing since age 8, do not hurt anyone despite the kickback and their usual tactics of massacring my character and  whatever else it takes to shut me down.

My fear is that my words hurt others. That is the training from mom and the rest. Silence the child victim of sexual abuse because all are ashamed of what one of their own did. Keep quiet so we don’t have to think about it.

The second wounding. Victimized as a child, wounded grievously, then again all through life because no one stood by my side, heard my story, or defended me. Just the opposite.

Just throw me into a coffin and nail it shut.

You must remember in the dark when your heart beats in fear, you are a generous, giving, caring spirit. You think about other’s feelings before your own. Believe it.

Now it is time to honor my real feelings once figuring out what they are, no easy trick due to living with so much buried deep down inside to please others.

You have the right to speak up, and to do so as many times as needed. You have just as much right as anybody else. You too were born for a reason.

This past month has been grueling- feeling shame and terror after breaking the ‘taboo’ of talking about childhood sexual abuse.

My courage to do so in the face of so much criticism and character assassination from Don, and silence from Seth, (as debilitating) will someday offer me comfort and pride instead of fear. It is time to enjoy these luscious days, and I am, walking the meadow as the light breeze bends the long grasses in the field and daisies wave hello.

Also remember that when triggered the ensuring reactions are automatic to survive threats. My habit is to blame myself. No. It is instinct. Though said, ‘no one can steal your peace,’ it isn’t true for me, or probably others who suffer from C-PTSD. The body reacts with all its might when threatened, not by conscious choice.

This is a growing time, one to keep embracing all of me.

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