Feeling the vastness within once again opens me to possibilities not there when lack of sleep steals it. The work to become the best version of myself stalls, everything stops. Living takes energy, and energy comes from good sleep.
Suddenly feelings of happiness, hope, and the profound satisfaction of bringing a smile to someone else returns. Digging into the day, making the most of it, enjoying it- even the work of it, all comes trailing back as another night of improved sleep occurs.
The looming threat of the virus, like a monster chomping down closer and closer, terrorized me. Powerless to do anything more than what we are doing compounded PTSD, and that beast tore at me shredding my life like cheap paper. Removing myself from it by banning all news is working like magic.
Samuel turns the news on at 5PM. “No, not till 6,” I demanded.
He clicks his tongue like a moody teenager, then flicks it to a crime show. We have talked about this already, so he knows the plan. I am to leave the living room to go to our bedroom to watch a movie at 6PM. The news and anything else is then all his. Movies in the comfort of our bed are happy, romantic, or funny, just the thing to go to sleep on. It is working!
Home, home inside of me settled as before, which though not perfect, is livable without wanting escape. I write Christmas cards, call a friend, something done less and less the more fear crept in, and even worked in my studio for a time. Happy pleasurable activities are experienced once again. Sometimes ignorance IS bliss.
Things go along really well, so well it feels miraculous, then they don’t. Once believing that something happened in the daytime to make sleep impossible, it seems not. The reason relates solely to chronic PTSD issues that have compounded the usual sleep issues aging women often have.
Taking the gifts life offers means accepting the harder stuff too. The darker days and time change have taken a glorious summer with good sleep patterns and shortened them, disrupting everything else.
Striving for that steady feeling of being in my body no matter what feeling passes through is a new and novel experience, one that poor sleep and tiredness steals. To be back in it and whole is so relished. Decisions come more naturally, steadiness guides my day, and much gets accomplished without rush or leaving my body.
Sleep and wholeness, gifts of the season to work towards…
Each day dread as the news relays dire warnings about the corona virus. We go out, returning to the car wiping our hands down with disinfectant. Others act nonchalant while visions of hospitals and respirators dance in my head. After being in the hospital several times a few years back, returning to one is a nightmarish thought.
Helplessness, powerlessness, those feelings are prevalent as we wait for the virus to hit with little else to do to prevent it except directives to wash hands and not touch our face. How absurd. Not touch my face, as my hand just left it without realizing it?
So we wait, watching the news with piqued interest for every development as the virus marches on, fearful tension marching on too because there is nothing to stop it.
He has so many chances to rise above his pettiness and be a man of character, yet fails. Even in this time of crisis while we await the arrival of the pandemic, our children at risk, grand-children, and ourselves. Even now he says it is the Democrats using the situation to make him look bad.
This isn’t a leader who instills comfort or confidence, a severely lacking person at the helm who has cut the programs which monitor illnesses that put our citizens at risk. A person with so little self-esteem it is always about himself and how he looks, a withering soulless, ghost of a man.
And no one is safe from him, the pain and destruction he is causing by his shallow heartlessness and lack of courage. A person at the helm making things so much worse, helping to cause death to citizens because he is more interested in himself.
Prayers for safety to people for what’s to come. We are not prepared, nor do we have people in leadership positions who can handle it, or know what to do. There is fear in the pit of my stomach. Prayers and hand-sanitizers feels like no defense, or protection at all, yet I pray… for him, for all of us.