All my talk of origin family being toxic, then sending an email to my younger brother about visiting in August thinking I could handle it, and it came from my decision, not his repeated pressure to come to the home he just moved to across the road from a lake in the Adirondacks.

But after telling him ‘no’ it wouldn’t be this summer while Samuel’s hip is so painful, and the constant pressure for us to come, I rethought it. It wasn’t about seeing us as he kept saying, although it may have been part of it. The truth finally was out when he warned me it would be a WORK visit. He decided Samuel, due to his work history as an electrician would put in a new electric panel for him.

This from a brother who hardly calls or emails. Or never does either except during the winter when he started doing both, but especially did Duo calls. He is going through a crisis, selling his real estate business and wondering what to do with rest of his life. His intensity is not good for me to be around. That much I know, and yet….emailing to come anyway? This fracture inside myself causes so much added unnecessary suffering.

After the email asking to visit, could I sleep? No. Medication, an hour in front the TV, and still as awake as ever. 1 AM, another dose, another hour to wait. In the morning I sent off an email saying we wouldn’t be coming.

That only Cory and Samuel know the details of my life and why traveling is so hard for me, adding that I was disappointed that while in the city so close to me he didn’t come visit us. He was up at Don’s making tiles for his fireplace, and there for few weeks. He wanted me up there to watch, but couldn’t be bothered to drive here 45 minutes away?

Isn’t that odd? He doesn’t want to see us, not really. He wants us, or me, to just be a stand-by admirer (once again just a shell of a human being you can move around like a pawn) or just a watcher of what he is up to.

I’m relieved. I am sorry I do not know my internal workings enough to give the proper answer at first. Or know, but disregard my needs caving to the pressure of other’s needs. But I have learned that I CAN CHANGE MY MIND.

And I did change my mind, something learned after decades of rigidity. I may have learned to do the right thing for me, but too often only after agony after doing the wrong thing- which meant a 2AM visit with the golden reddish moon alongside Jupiter and Saturn. (they really looked stellar with binoculars because of course I stepped outside to see them)

Today is a ‘take care of me’ day. Shouldn’t they all be? I have spent a life underestimating my plight, needs, and egregiously ignoring the deep wounds and how they cripple me. the hurt compounds exponentially by by others who do the same; those very same people professing love and being family. The very deepest wounds having been inflicted by them as they continue to dig in their swords unilaterally keeping the blood running.

The origin family members ignore the damage done by denial and their own culpability in not only ignoring the truth but also not being there to protect me once knowing. And for still having ties with the remaining attacker. If he had done to their daughters what he did to me they would have nothing to do with him. But since it’s me it does not matter.