And so, a ten hour sleep consumed me, even after a dull day of zombie-ing on the couch after a double dose of sleep medication. And today, feelings of relief with a return to my normal where touching the interior of my soul is back to being possible.
Being the puppet, feeling guilty after saying no to my younger brother several weeks ago after his urging to come up to see the home they moved into, (primarily so Samuel could put in a new electrical panel in his basement) I went ahead asking when might be a good time to visit in August. Thinking that now he has hired the installation of the electrical panel to a contractor (as he should have done in the first place), a visit might be fun instead of all work.
But my body knew what my mind didn’t, or just ignored. My body recoiled by not settling down to sleep needing two doses– just like the camping night with another brother a month ago. Being with those that profess to be family used to seem OK because these are the ones who did not attack me sexually as a child. With no connection to soul, body, or spirit, I had to think out answers without the aid of my whole being. Doesn’t work. And it might also be possible that being used to adrenaline rushes, my being finds ways to still induce them.
My body gets in a hyper state, my soul activating the alarm system—no sleep. My decisions based only from my mind takes me to dangerous places. Places that have been moved away from, the place where I don’t exist, am a mere shell, a puppet to use and take advantage of. The real me is whole, present, and likes herself, residing both inside of me and here on the land in peace, and harmony with no lies, pretense, or fakery.
There is grace in my being- honesty, groundedness and honor. But these ‘people’ don’t honor my interior, my real being. They, like Stevie, look down on me, use me for their own needs, just like the attackers. Because Tom made them look at me that way with the years of innuendos and put-downs. But also because it is easier for each to pretend that all the suffering my body was subjected to didn’t occur. But my body knows and will always remember. I know.
It takes ongoing repeated daily work to break from the years of being a puppet with NO VOICE, no honor, no respect, molded into your doormat to step on. That made my life agonizing. Others in every relationship quickly learn how easy it is to trample on me as if I had no tongue.
These three pull me back, down, under, and drown me… I don’t learn, always hoping for a new start, but it does not happen, won’t happen…
All the pressure to be part of their newly formed group has darkened my life. After feeling left out, I don’t want in. Or want in, but can’t. There’s no way for both.
It feels so good to done with it, to know I don’t have to go to Stevie’s. I don’t owe him anything. He was mostly just interested in Samuel doing work anyway. I am off the hook. I paid the price of a sleepless night to find that out. It is sorrowful not to be able to have any relationship with these three brothers. Always thinking that they are OK because they did not touch me that way.
It isn’t OK. They are part of the toxicity of silence that broke me, and nothing has changed…except me!