A feeling descends deep inside and a desire to escape it takes over. Restless, up then down, then up again, there it is following me. A hollow loneliness dogging me since childhood is my guess. When ‘family’ no longer was family yet it’s all I had. I lived with them, those I loved but became afraid of.
Since connecting with my internal being, this sharp loneliness has not visited until yesterday. Repeatedly going out to the garage in the hopes that Samuel’s company or words might relieve it, not wanting help, but seeking it anyway. The feeling remained until finally realizing I cannot escape it. I must feel it.
Sitting on the front porch longer than two seconds, the wiser softer voice said, stay. Stay, feel, and breathe. When this loneliness comes, with it comes bad feelings imploding into the hollowness; bad grandmother, bad mother, bad everything.
It is an avalanche difficult to stop, like a tsunami it comes in waves, gentler than before, but there it is. Needing companionship yet it is my own being that needs to be with me. Another being cannot relieve this emptiness.
Only being in me can.