DEPRESSION and JOY

PHOTO BY PATRICIA

 Depressed and obsessed, the day started halfway through the night. Working to take it in stride did not remove the depression of the on-going sleep issues. My mind becomes trapped on the latest gaffe, or what seems like one with of course my internal being basher bashing me.

The sister-in-law spreading my awfulness of a human being for not making her the preferred flavor pie hurt me making me re-think the possibility of becoming a part of this group called family. For a few years I felt left out, then pressure came to become a part of it. Though Tom is out west, Virginia is very willing to take his place undermining me to others all over a grape pie rather than an apple. Gaslighting/Scapegoating.

I’m being gaslighted. My mind tends to take a situation in the nighttime after waking and run it through the gerbil wheel over and over. This happened with another situation where getting closer to a family member was endlessly impossible.

Working at putting up a big STOP in my mind when that happened did resolve it over time with repeated effort. People do NOT get along with everyone, and there’s nothing wrong with either person for that. Time to accept it, give up the impossible, and prioritize making peace within.

That is my work now. My gut instinct that was against being drawn into this group was the right one. Feeling left out is far better than feeling like a failure over a pie. It feels like so much gained before all this was lost. It has taken two years of attempting connection with them to reach this conclusion, pressured to do it their way instead of what felt safe for me. It is time to STOP.

Starting a day at 2:30 AM depressed me. Control your thoughts! When thoughts repeatedly invade it sometimes signals the need for a tough decision. Be with those who feel safe and aren’t afraid to love me as I really am. Grow again with the pure water of love.  

The logy depression lifted within a few minutes of a video call from my dear granddaughter (5) and grandson (1), then JOY! That spurred me out to the great outdoors for the first time in 2 ½ weeks. My long illness prevented such an excursion.

But what a day! The brilliant glittering sparkling snow, SUNSHINE, fresh cold air, and birds chirping a melodic hello in chorus. Respite after each lap creek-side all frozen and snowy brought unfounded satisfying familiarity.

My heart pumped happily, the fresh air so invigorating!

The wonder of nature… answers come, a smile erupts, and peace flows warming me from the core.    

PHOTO BY PATRICIA

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