No can do anymore…

As my body heals, so too my mind, calming with the flow of a quiet daily life. Exercise is slowly incorporated into my day, with two short gentle stints on the elliptical, the outdoors still too much to tackle. Maybe today a venture out into the cold and snow to see how far my boots sink in it, snowshoes or boots?

That trek has been put off because my tendency is to overdue. A body as sick as mine was needs rest, but each day there are noticeable improvements.

A week’s camping trip was cancelled for this summer with my son, Shane, and family. Getting caught up in the excitement of the moment when reserving our spots in the favored Adirondack Park, knowledge that my body is unable to sleep in our camper was in denial.

The ravages of a lifetime of PTSD have tired it out now needing respect, care, and love. New places, and a tiny camper mean taking a sleep aid every night or lying there staring at the roof all night listening to Samuel snore.

Our usual week long camping trip since the boys were very little was shortened to 3 days for the last several years, but even that is just too much. The necessary sleep aid makes me so groggy the following day. It takes great effort to paste on a smile even though the time with grand-kids is so cherished. Shane knows a family they happily camped with before to take our place. Relief fills the ragged sad places that remind me of all that was taken and so deeply damaged.

There is a trip planned to Cory’s in the spring to see the new baby. That takes a lot out of me just to get there because it’s highways for 5 hours. Drained upon arrival, once there we are hosted in the den which has a kitchenette, bedroom, and its own bathroom. After getting tired out from playing with the grandkids, going to a quiet place to be on my own till the morning gives the respite needed to calm my internal being, and to SLEEP.

It is fun to plan summer trips in the dead of winter, and one camping night at my absolute favorite place is still in store for us, the glens made naturally by glaciers and not far away. One night I can do!

Can do!

that’s me!

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