It feels so magical, the freedom of accepting flaws yet love still sprouts. Waking in the nighttime with worries infecting my brain, a habit of mine, or a predisposition passed down by both mother and grandmother, (if passing down a worry gene was truly scientifically possible) … soothing comfort flowed like a warm bath. I almost smiled before going back to sleep from the deep core relief.
This hurdle has been faced many times before, every day in fact when challenging the harsh critic thriving in me. Scenarios of others casting blame and shame on me in almost every interaction still creates much self-criticism automatically.
That started so very young when dearly loved brothers attacked me sexually. By attack, I mean manipulate. After using force once it was far better to lie still and pretend sleep. To fight meant feeling suffocated.
But after, a pool of shame surrounded me everywhere others were. Hiding way deep became the only way to survive and protect what was left. Young children take blame for this and many other tragedies if no intervention is provided.
Now? No hiding within myself. The pieces are brought out to the sunlight to inspect, seed the good stuff in the earth of my soul, and work to improve the not so good stuff. Decades of daily cortisol bursts due to a PTSD startle response from even a leaf blowing suddenly across my path has caused chronic fatigue issues draining energy especially if adding social activities.
It still feels dangerous to be around others. Space and aloneness with nature is my chosen occupation. Accepting my limitations (and flaws) leads me to fully love with joy.