Echoes of loneliness once filling my life strum through my being like the plucking of a harp. Christmas music playing softly while rocking by the fire brings me to decades past when my sons were little. Loneliness seared through me along with blood in my veins as if afire cutting from the inside out with hot molten pointed daggers, my chest agonizingly hollow and empty.

Always looking to escape that pain, when, like Alice, the answers lay in my own back yard, in my own internal world yet unknown or explored. If not even connected within, if not allowed to due to the family’s resistance to acknowledge me and what they’d done, how would I learn to know myself, be in myself, or accept all that I was or could be?

When all that I was is denied?

When all that I could have been was shattered?

When who I was is not who I am now, or will ever be?

Chaos, uncertainty, and a constant thrumming anxiety shadowed me everywhere, even in the quietest moments threats lurk. There was no escape. To this day in my most peaceful reveries there exists this edge that one of my childhood monsters will jump out and scream, loving to scare me, loving to hate me even though long dead.

Yet… my persistence for peace, my willingness to learn discipline, and to know myself in all the dark corners, and all my depths- that is what and who sustains me.

One thought on “CHAOS or PEACE?

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