BOUNDARIES

As days accumulate without contact with any origin family, the more space and safety that is felt. There is also a burgeoning of self-esteem without the nagging feeling of being ganged up on and kept silenced when trying to fit in to this newly formed dysfunctional clan. Keep me down so that you can pretend there is a family to be had. Include me so that you feel good but disregard me.

But for me it is much safer to be apart feeling freer, authentic, and autonomous. Giving in to the pressure when others finally wanted to include me made me vulnerable. Because there is love, but it is not possible to both love and interact.

Feelings of love and hate eat internally because each still interact with the last surviving attacker who did the most destruction to me with his continuous cruelty. And never, not once, an apology or remorse.

To love from afar and not be drowned in memories, or the feeling of being held under without being able to breathe or feel free. It is harmful, deadly, and a very bad choice.

I was pushed into something unwanted, too easily done because doing what you want if you bug me enough works. Expensive gifts given by me, treating others to lunch on an outing, invites, visits. I tried. But again, and again it takes away all growth in a snap. Suddenly I am that child all alone in agony. Regret sets in, feeling weak with the wanting of family that just won’t be.

Give me my space to grow, love the ones safe to love, and be me. Give? I must take what is needed by setting boundaries. The wish that there’s a supportive family is not happening in my lifetime. It didn’t then, it won’t now.

My family is one I made, nurtured, and grew.

7 thoughts on “BOUNDARIES

    1. Tried commenting on your latest blog about winter and Valentines but comments aren’t available. I cry for the little girl too, yours and mine. After suppressing it so long, maybe the grief comes up in stages so it’s all right to cry. I made Valentines too for my grand-kids. It was child-like, and I said so to Samuel, yet so very satisfying and fun. Paint, glitter, and more paint.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Uh oh…I’ll try to figure out why comments aren’t available.
        Thanks for sharing.
        I’m so thankful the grief doesn’t wipe us out like a giant wave! It’d be my undoing for sure. I am doing okay in stages….I think!
        Glad you get to hang out with grandkids.
        Sadly, I don’t. But God….

        Like

          1. I have a friend I’ve known in person over 20 years who says that, yet from her it didn’t mean much because other than the normal losses everyone experiences, she has had no trauma to work through, then keep working.
            I told her she was born that way. (positive) And I believe that to be true. That for some it takes more than breezily saying ‘it’s a choice.’
            From you though it has real value, meaning, and substance. You are a breath of fresh air like a blossoming flower during a very hard to bear winter.
            I feel more connected to you than someone I’ve known a few decades. Thank you for being there and daring to share…. That takes real courage, compassion, strength, and kindness.

            Like

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