SUFFER

As tiny an event as the cat escaping under the bed instead of being able to close the door with her out, kept me from falling asleep. Lying there thinking about this noise, that noise, or that Samuel found her coming out and shutting the door (which he didn’t but that little sound made me look up from my pillow) kept me awake way past the ‘fall asleep’ time.

Then? Up past midnight, the next day groggy feeling so sorry for myself because of what must be effects of long-term PTSD. But today is a new day, and isn’t life like that? Pain with pleasure, yet it is not something easy to accept fighting the bad days with bitterness, sadness, and hopeful illusions of growing up in a safe family.

The wishes don’t all go away. On hard days they crop up like bubbles popping once hitting my consciousness. This is your reality and it’s unlikely to completely change. The addition of marijuana oil has certainly helped greatly but the hard nights, and other difficulties are here to stay.

Though not my fault, not my doing, suffer it I must.

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