Summer came with struggles that didn’t have to happen, but, there’s always a but, BUT, maybe growth that occurs because of it is needed.

Seeing those who profess being ‘family’ has caused a great deal of pain, confusion, and what feels like going backwards… not just a step, but back to childhood. The 68 year old turned right back into the pleasing doormat.

How can a person handle cravings for the poisonous family she was brought into, trying to be part of it after feeling pressured to do so, then be caused even more damage than what occurred coming out of it? So much put into growth… gone in an instant. First saying NO to Stevie, and the ensuing guilt for not being there for my little brother, my needs taking precedence. (miracles can happen!)

Seth- inviting him to camp at my favorite place, but catering to him, making all the food, becoming the slave of my youth at $2 an hour, jumping up to do whatever he asked back then; iron a shirt, get something for him to eat, etc. But it added to my stash being saved up for my pony so I didn’t care. But I care now. I care not to become his maid nor anyone’s. I care to have the freedom to be the woman I’ve grown into, not the pleasing doormat he requires.

Cuomo. As a resident of New York, (up in the boonies, not New York City) his handling of the virus and ability to come along and calm down my wild anxiety as the deadly invading virus crept closer and closer to our area, will never be forgotten. My gratitude extends to him always. My sadness at losing his outstanding, extraordinary capable work ethics and ability profound.

But I always wondered why he didn’t seem to date, divorced a beautiful, accomplished wife, (or she him), and didn’t have a steady committed relationship. So many women (more his age) chirped in tweets during his daily briefings that they’d love to date this late middle-aged attractive man.

But he didn’t have time. He threw all he had into his work excelling at it. From reports it seems he copped a feel along the way with very young women who were his daughters’ age. The ones that worked for him, looked up him as a father figure and mentor. Creepy. Like Tom, my eldest sibling. There’s power in that too.

I always felt uncomfortable about how much he reminded me of Tom, even looking similar. Both accomplished, though Tom is now retired, and was a lawyer at a prestigious firm. Yet in the dark corners lurked a lack of character, a dark character that neither are aware of? Not possible. You can’t be that smart and not know. It’s no longer possible to love either one of them.

They both lack the ability to be fully honest with themselves. I wouldn’t want to live with holes in my soul like that. I have holes. I flutter in the breeze like a tattered kite, but their rips of blemish are not mine. My rips come from not seeing my good, but I’m working on that.

You can have character, and not. Each has character with their work, but sadly, and criminally, fail elsewhere. Would I take advantage of my little sister, creeping in at night to suck at her vagina while she sleeps, then spend the rest of her life making her feel like the worst outcast that ever existed?

Would I become a world class state leader then take advantage of my adoring employees, copping a feel, kissing, or making off color jokes? I not only hope not, I wouldn’t.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s