Bend me like an origami paper project. That is how others have been allowed to treat me. Growing up hostage to a brother’s sexual needs caused me to learn my needs don’t matter, in fact don’t make it on the table.
Just plow through and take what you want, when you want it. No boundaries were learned, so though burning with rage inside at the maltreatment, both then, but later all through life, my voice remained gagged and stifled way below.
My body cannot take being struck by waves as if a buoy on open ocean waters. It causes me to take action for my own self-preservation. Where once, not so long ago, like two days ago, I’d chat with a friend on-line because it fit her schedule at that time (not mine), then suffer the repercussions of taking on too much in a day causing my body to go into overdrive and not be able to sleep, my decision to not answer a brother’s insistent and repeated attempts to have an on-line video chat came next.
He is not one to ignore. He attempted 7 times at least, my tablet practically vibrating off the table. But equilibrium from being up in the night had not fully returned, tiredness still remained. After no answer, he called on the phone which I still let ring. I have called and emailed him in the past when he doesn’t bother answering with no explanation or apology.
And since it’s me it doesn’t seem to matter. But if it’s his itch needing scratching that isn’t scratched, wow. Really? Stop stalking me. But sitting down at the computer, I finally responded by sending a kind note explaining the rough month with sleep issues. That when in a sleep deprived stupor, I am unable to chat or talk to him. That nothing is wrong, and he is very dear to me. (Now leave me alone until I gather my parts all disconnected and discombobulated)
Much of my life has been spent in a disassociated state. Talk to me and no one’s here. I’m off in my ‘safe’ place. But with the start of learning to meditate over 15 years ago, moments of being present and feeling safe began to occur.
But it takes energy to be present with another. After a morning of a lot of exercise and busyness not enough energy is left to chatter happily with another. Yet if that’s what you want, I do it anyway, other’s needs coming first. Until now.
In learning to like myself that all begins to change. That taking care of me, even if my needs seem weird or made up to others, makes me more able to be there for others. But when I choose to, not as the doormat I was raised to be.
Time alone is necessary, crucial to my well-being. How can you explain to others what your footsteps are like unless they have been there? That energy resources can be depleted so easily because of a life of stress and feelings of always being in danger?
That takes a toll on the body that often others just don’t understand. I do, but still haven’t learned to say NO. But I am learning to.