When the coffers are empty, what do you have to give? Learning to care for self is not only necessary, it is generous because helping oneself, caring for oneself, taking time to be tolerant of one’s shortcomings while also working on them.. these are all steps to abundance and giving.
You cannot give from an empty well. Only in searching deep is the gold found. Only then can it be shared with others, after first finding it. And that has taken decades.
You’re a good person, echoed through the years by those really knowing me and the struggles of self-worth tearing me down. Words needed to keep going, but not felt.
It is OK to feel good about oneself. It is not a badge of honor to walk around feeling bad so that others in the family can feel good. It seemed my destiny to carry the burdens of others. Why else then be born into a family where so much pathetic waste of human life be bred?
Because if a child is not nurtured, loved, and cherished, the child can become corrupt- do things that can’t be undone, then have to life with it, as well as the sister that they chose to abuse. A death sentence for both.
Because if you don’t die physically, you die in other ways, and some are permanent. I cannot get back brothers who chose to sexually attack ever again. Once you chose to attack me you no longer are a brother.
And no one else is ever fully trusted again. Makes for a lonely life. Except that in the work of re-building a life from the ashes up comes great beauty in the form of sons, a gentle loyal husband, and grand-children who love fully without evil intent or maleficence.
A life rattled and broken becomes my life owned by me. Fragile, easily stolen by outside forces, yet able to come home again to find peace within. That takes work and attention. It is not selfish to care for oneself. It is the highest form of generosity.