When peace fills me it is lovely thing. Sleep is full and deep. Rising with the gently falling snow in the black morning, it is greatly brightened by Christmas twinkling lights on a timer awaiting me. Padding out into the kitchen, flicking on the floodlight, kitty trots out on the screened porch as usual to ‘hunt.’ Comforted by the warmth of the fire, acoustic Christmas music, and hot fresh coffee, calm is felt in every part of my body and spirit.
Sometimes peace feels boring after a life of adrenaline filled days. A peace I must not take for granted, as it soothes every system in my body, the calm a welcome respite from a life weary of chaos. When thoughts begin to whirl with negativity like a beast to take me down, a softer, wiser self comes forth; you are OK, it’s OK, respect the goodness inside yourself. You are GOOD. These have become truths I believe, not just words.
Good, after a life believing myself bad. Though hard to change that devilish mantra erupting in childhood growing over the years as I grew, making life hellish, finding my truth has been doable. Not coming from week after week of therapy, running to the city on my day off to seek encouragement at 90 bucks an hour. But from a core that has opened wide letting light out, not suffocated by any origin family restraints that bound, gagged, and almost killed me.
Free. Remembering each day to remind myself; this day is YOURS. Not someone else’s to control you, your thoughts, or actions. Bound by no one but me, letting myself free escaping the cages of childhood… finally.