“What, you took my trees and shoved them in the hedgerow?” storming out, I slammed the door.
A friend dropped off three tulip trees by the shed where they sat till Samuel could plant them. As usual there was divisiveness about where to put them. He went out to do the chore never asking me where I wanted them.
In the house doing dishes making dinner, the thought occurred repeatedly that I should go out to stand my ground knowing he would choose awful places.
“You put them in the hedgerow with no room to grow?” I asked, the unwanted anger bubbling up.
“I can cut back the bushes,” he said.
Then I really exploded, not wanting to, the usual camaraderie a more pleasant choice. Yet my body and some other part took hold. This was from my past. All that was taken from me… not yours to take, the rage burning internally for most of my life.
“I’m changing them,” I retort.
“You can,” he said, unperturbed.
Clearing after the morning rains, it was a sunny crisp afternoon. My upheaval in mood was not the Buddha-like behavior I’d hoped to achieve. But realizing where it came from brought forth compassion, rather than self-loathing for breaking the peace.
Pondering my blow-up which had been unplanned, one thing was different. There was no rage as in decades past. Rage that curdled my insides with hate and vengeance believing the slights and hurt were done intentionally. Being my partner, Samuel has survived many bouts of volcanic blow-up that weren’t really about him.
He is just bull-headed with his own stuff. Yes, he should have asked. Plant them for me if you like, but ask where I want them.
I dug them out and put them in a place where they will stand proud, growing with air, light, and space. Much like what I have needed.
No we didn’t talk the rest of the night. But I wasn’t enraged, just offended. There’s a spark of life left in me after all. Yes, I could have handled it much more gracefully, but I understand why I didn’t –allowing space for my flaws.