Such a master of dissociation, there’s little awareness of it when occurring. Milk found in a cupboard days later. A card sent that never arrived so probably mailed without stamp or return address. Though much of my time is now is in the present, the comfort of being elsewhere still happens with a realization of it only afterwards… if at all. Who is in my body at that time?
How can a body move, take action, do anything without a being in it? There are many ways to flee. Fear of feeling what is there causes a run unless deliberate focus to stay evolves. Don’t be afraid, stay.
Starting the day with that mantra, sipping coffee, numbing, feeling the split, but counteracting the impulse with courage- stay. Fear of what’s there, because a deep and devastating sadness seems to be at my core, and fear itself. Who would want to feel that?
But putting on my big girl pants, curiosity to check out feelings really residing in my core called to me. That is the way to start every day, the patience to stay, to work on authenticity even in the face of differentness. To find who I am at that particular moment…to own it, to own me.
That is living, and living in wholeness. Relax the muscles, unbind constraints from the critical boss haunting and inhibiting my true nature. Find her, be her, live her…. You don’t have a moment to lose, as each one is like a snowflake, unique, beautiful, but impermanent.