Dissociation and Its Many Forms

photo by Patricia

Not wanting to settle into the grief that winter brings, I finally do. Running from my center is my normal. Coming to center takes work, and a wanting to. Why would I want to go there if it hurts?

In the air wafts the scent of lavender and balsam from the hand-made sachets filled with my own lavender. The balsam was collected on various trips to the Adirondacks when we visit the shops.

The scent is always present, but I’m not

It’s only in coming to the present that its full gifts are revealed, not just grief, fear or sadness, but so much more, even if only the simple gift of nature’s earthy scented bounty.

After a week of limpy wimpy staying indoors due to sub-zero temperatures and wind, I finally ventured out to sunshine and cold crisp snow. Attaching snowshoes while indoors made slipping my feet into them so much easier.

Around and around the meadow, each lap becoming easier as my lazy heart woke up, pumping it a way needed every day but neglected. My happy heart lifted my mood, and every other system enlivened with health too.

Escaping from the present is not always conscious. I can slip in and out of my ‘safe place’ at will, though sometimes it happens automatically. But there are other ways of escaping, eating is one of them, bringing the numbness craved since childhood when the tactic of overeating to escape arose in order to survive the unsurvivable.

The backlash of this once valuable tool needs constant confrontation as to the efficacy of its use now, and mostly, kindness, compassion, and care.

 

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