Would You Be Me?

Exhaustion runs deep, into my core, my blood, bones, every atom of my being. I am tired. Even with enough sleep, I am tired. Winter’s weariness? Failures of self?

“It hard being me,” I lament to a friend, and whisper out-loud to the gods. It is hard being me, and I’m tired of it.

My thoughts tend to believe the worst every time, and that tendency consumes me in winter. Bleakness of soul matches the frigid temps. The havoc of this engulfs me in ways that wreck relationships. Others there willing to love, offering warmth and real caring, are shoved away brusquely. My best feature is turning away from you coldly.

Is that all there is left from childhood? Taking my trust, only coldness remains. I need you to keep away from me. Aloof, yet needy. It is so tiring being me. Dreaming of being someone else consumes me once again.

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10 thoughts on “Would You Be Me?

  1. I understand you. Most days I don’t want to be me either – it’s just too much pain, too much work to keep present, and too much work fending off the past, constantly. Does it ever end? Wrapping you in love from a distance as you stay in the comforts of your need for space. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Thank you for posting this. I am tired ALL the time. I wake up more tired than when I go to bed. Hypervigilance – most attacks happened in the middle of the night – keeps me from getting rested sleep. I don’t think I’ve ever related my fatigue to my PTSD, but it makes sense. My body is so consumed by stress energy that it never really relaxes, even when I try to meditate or do Qi Gong. I understand your wanting to be someone else. The pain and all that comes with it is hard to bear. I, too, seek solitude over other people’s company. Not so much as an issue of trust; I just don’t have the mental or emotional energy to invest. Sending you love and healing. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, not just lack of trust, but lack of energy to deal with too much commotion.
      It is helpful to be understood at this depth. It helps me to see it as more real, and to keep providing what is needed without apologies for feeling so different from others who go about their days with such ease. Thank you…

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Thank you.
    After 3 therapy sessions in a week, and doing a bunch of chores, I am exhausted.
    (I’m a regular party-poop on the weekend. And I’m an introvert, anyway.)
    My family just don’t get it. That hurts.
    I’m going back to sleep now. Thank you again. TS

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It sounds like you accomplished quite a lot this week.
      The ‘origin’ family thing is hard. Slowly I am learning to accept that closeness comes elsewhere. Though a thread of hope holds out for more, it’s doubtful to be forthcoming

      Liked by 1 person

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