photo by Patricia
Even though unsure of this lull in agitation, and the long hours of peaceful sleep, both are absorbed gratefully. Could it have to do partly with learning to allow authentic expression to rise rather than the knee jerk reaction of closing someone off when they don’t do, say, or email in a way that is desired?
No answer, or a one word reply from someone cared about, makes me throw up my hands in disgust wanting to terminate the relationship. Tit for tat. You don’t care about me, I won’t care about you. But it never works, because I do care, and eventually I choose to initiate an interaction.
How to say what I need with grace? How to speak up to someone who knows me as a doormat, a pleaser, a person seemingly without needs, or who doesn’t require respect because she hasn’t demanded it?
After trashing my younger brother’s one word response, the next morning after sifting it back out, my response included my dismay at his one word response along with softness which balanced the critique. It felt so foreign. Speaking up, along with loving words? Can it be possible this was achieved? After a life of stitched lips this really is a miracle.
During meditation it was evident that my little brother is not someone to throw away. We spent a lot of time together on our own as children while my mother worked. We were free to roam the neighborhood unsupervised. There is a bond to cherish even if we don’t share much else, and even if he seems to want the attention of two older siblings instead of me. I still have feelings for him.
My response, after some thought, honored my feelings even in the face of another not responding as I’d like. Staying true to my deepest core feelings, not reacting thoughtlessly with the old story so ingrained in my perceptions, that no one cares, keeps me aligned with my true self. This authenticity must add to the long nights of peaceful slumber, instead of waking feeling something urgent needs to keep me awake.
Traveling that wire from brain, to heart, then to my core, keeps the peace. It has taken a life-time to get here, and the linking is tenuous. Meditative thought brings up the true soul’s needs. A being comes together as a whole when soft whispers are listened to, giving myself the key to unlock their mysteries, and then to express them. That is freedom.
I may not hear from him for months, or longer, or at all, but I can keep the love for him in my heart. And if there’s a time he needs me, I am here. But he won’t. We both wrap our pain around us a like an iron curtain. You learn to do that when young and no one’s there to help. You learn to do it on your own.