photo by Patricia
Ghosts lurk around every corner. Safety eludes me. You crept in the dark. You still creep. The startle response continues. Seeing things move in the dusky corners causes my mind to perceive danger. Always on the look-out, it is rare to feel totally relaxed. Work continues to dispel the perceptions of danger in the safety of my home, but the looming dread from childhood years threaded its malevolence into the synapses of my neurons.
With dawn, relief comes.
Hiding myself deep down where no one can hurt me saved what was left after brothers had taken what they could, and what they wanted. My shell, looking very much like a whole person, went on split apart.
It was always a huge effort to bring all parts along when some parts are so deeply hidden, as if in another dimension. Keeping up with others is sometimes still a chore.
“What did you say?” I reply, even now when zoning out occurs.
The chains of childhood bound me, vaulting in any semblance of the little girl I was, the little girl I was meant to be, or the woman I would become. Laughter halted. The seriousness of surviving took away innocence, spontaneity, and freedom of speech.
Hiding the real me, my body lived my life while I resided elsewhere. Dissociation made life possible, an unconscious survival mechanism that is a habit even now, every day, or a part of it.
Unfortunately it buffered me from living a full life that is really living. A robotic being took its place. Only a rare few bothered to find me, but they did, and those few saved me.
I will have peace, and cherish it when having it. I will make each day count. I will dispel the lingering hands that evilly stole so much, that grew into goblins, and the monsters of my nightmares, that loom so large in the dark before dawn. I will.