Moments of Love

Like a fist shut tight, or a bud unwilling to open to the elements, my heart is a cavern to explore, but when hurting boulders are in the way. Holding in feelings stresses the heart as surely as medical conditions do. More tears were needed, the wound was not fully washed, let them flow.

Resistance to this is incredibly high. I don’t see Samuel cry, except once or twice in his life. Others, if they do cry, hide it. Avoiding tears comes first bringing with it a closed heart  putting my health at risk due to the grasp clenched around it. I need to own my feelings, and let them out. Only then can reaching out to others feel full and authentic.  

This morning while stroking my cat, after an evening prior with grand-kids at an outdoor Christmas festival, the warmth of love opened. After the long shut-down, the glimmer was brief— but real. Those children love me as they wrapped their arms around me saying, “Na Na, Na Na.”  The ice that made me cold began to melt. 

Loving openly does come easily, if at all, but more readily with children and animals. The lesson learned very early was to protect what was left, because if that was taken too there would nothing left, nothing to live for, no meaning in life… no me.

I accept that I am like this, very cold unless feeling safe. Others may not, nor understand, but there are those who do stick by me through it all, and those are the ones safe to love… sometimes. The love is always there, but too risky to feel except in some moments. I treasure those moments, they make it all worthwhile.

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6 thoughts on “Moments of Love

  1. I am the same. Only children and animals defrost me usually. I used to not be this way, but each subsequent abuser or hardship caused my heart to freeze up more and more. And it has a will of it’s own; it is beyond my persuasion. Wishing us both some thawing out so we can enjoy the joy and love of this season.

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    1. Yes, yet it remains important to guard myself. Others whose boundaries haven’t been impaired, or completely stolen such as mine, are able to go about with open hearts. I do not have boundaries, and if withdrawal or whatever form I need to use, infantile or not, needs to be used to protect what is left, it is OK. I need to protect myself however I can. The injuries when so young caused a great amount of damage.
      I always feel so honored when you share a piece of yourself, though I wish less hardship accompanied by great joy and love for you… : )

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      1. Yes, it is important to protect oneself still. I opened my heart to one of my roommates, only to realize that she is toxic and manipulative a year and a half later. I told her we are no longer friends and listed all the reasons why in a text. I am annoyed with myself by getting taken in again. And by one so much younger than me! I was wary of her at first and should have taken steps to avoid becoming entangled in her drama and manipulations. But, she appeared to need help and this is like catnip to me! Ha! Ah, more lessons learned….

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