Goals of growth and change seem lofty and unattainable. Has the wisdom once thought gained just a trick of mind? Being human gets in the way. My very humanness interferes making what is simple, complicated, and sticky.
When declining the sister-in-law’s invite, I also e-mailed my son a terse decline of his invite Saturday to enjoy a meal and watch them decorate their tree. My son Shane calls as usual on his way to work attacking the upset at once with his usual kindness and patience, but also exasperation at my tendencies to withdraw when hurt.
We worked it out, and we will be going. When declining one invite, I declined both not knowing what was keeping me up nights. I’m still up at 3 AM, but it must be due to the time change, and not much else. Serenity so cherished seems to have slipped through my hands.
Winter does this to me, makes me into a stranger from myself where no softness and soothing can be found. But it is there. I have nurtured it, grown it, and need to connect with it again.