My Secret Garden
First thoughts upon waking, another day? My isolation runs deep, yet it’s my own doing. It takes energy to go into the world and work on developing relationships. The outlet where most were found was chorale, but after joining several times I dropped out due to tiredness and physical problems. I had been a part of it for 15 years. Over time my knees stopped trembling during concerts, and many friendships were made and kept.
Each fall the temptation is to try again. Dropping out occurred because of medical problems which interfered with sleep making anything in the evenings just too hard to handle and enjoy. My medical issues have stabilized, but when evening comes it is time to wind down so that my easily excited nervous system relaxes instead of going into overdrive.
Maybe it’s my thoughts that need a vacation. Because they attack the moment I wake if not already tormenting me through the night. You are, and the blanks are filled in with a great many negative words be it you have no friends—- not true because I do have them. I’m not as close to them as Sue who passed away, or Nancy who moved away.
You messed up relationships with your brothers—- not true, the road goes both ways. None of the three seem to want to be close, instead quite the opposite. And the list of my failings goes on during vulnerable periods when my consciousness is between sleep and awake..
What about gratitude; gratitude for the special friendships I had, and still have, my beautiful home, husband, sons and grand-children, the land which gives so much pleasure, and so much more?
Enjoy what you have, you are blessed, be happy!