Feeling blissfully happy one day and miserable the next is curious, and painful; painful in the discovery that my eating began to soar. Eating like that numbs all else. It also takes me out of my body which in it’s numbness does not know fullness, a feeling which escaped my grasp so many years ago when this method was employed to survive.

Even after the abuse stopped eating blocked out the feelings and was useful. Something had to. It helped me hate myself which was the message family gave, and gives even now. Don’t speak about it translates to you’re bad, wrong and unworthy. Shameful really.

It takes such work to break free from the messages, so engrained in my psyche, soul and mind. And slipping into numbness without my consciousness happens frequently. Pulling back from food, feeling like a failure all over again, is hard.

Sitting quietly, doing nothing much of anything helps ground me. Working over the puzzle the messages of how lazy you must be for doing puzzles makes me begin to rise. Then a sweeter voice interjects, “Stay. It’s OK. You need this.”

Lighting the little fall scented candle makes it a sacred time. Sitting throughout the morning while the disarray began to make sense helped anxiety calm. The movies playing in the background, also soothed. 

It is OK to do what you love, the message lost when escaping into food. You can do the things that society warns you not to, like all day movies, and playing games on the tablet for hours if wanted. Movies are like old friends, and I love them, never tiring of hearing them over and over again. 

The things warned against are the things that soothe my broken brain. Rather than be imprisoned in a loop of negative thinking, games on the tablet give me something to do other than that. And my brain likes to be busy without too much effort so that it is both busy and relaxed.

There are other things that take precedence as a means to come back into the body;  meditation, which for the first time helped me to be in my body and feel safe. A slow walk in nature almost always helps center in every weather except rain. 

It is OK to live the life you want, and this message needs repeating often.  That permission must come from me. Voices from the past that arose from innuendos and neglect rather than words, became my voice.

Reminders are needed; you are a good person, possessing depth, compassion, and sensitivity. What you need to do for yourself might look different than what others do, and that’s more than OK, it is necessary to my peace, sanity and balance. 

You are worthy of respect…especially your own.

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