At eight years old, already victim to my eldest brother creeping up in the night sticking his tongue into my vagina while sleeping, Tom continued his onslaught via diabolically sly methods even while everyone was around.
No one noticed, cared or defended me, or if they did must have considered it normal. His attitude, sneering remarks, and ostracizing efforts persisted throughout the years. Praise was lauded on him due his accolades of becoming a lawyer like our father, then becoming partner in a law firm.
I tripped along barely making it, failing three classes in 10th grade needing summer school to keep up with classmates. The relentless barrage of innuendos cut deeper than all the other sexual attacks by three other brothers during childhood, and caused the most damage to already flagging self-esteem issues.
His quest for vengeance tore into my psyche like shredding paper. You could blow through me as if I were tattered cloth. The ongoing subtle destruction affected all facets of my being with the added vileness of his enjoyment while doing it.
In college I finally dropped out at the end of the second year, one paper short in one class, unable to earn an Associate’s degree. It wasn’t until 20 years later, with Raymond’s help and belief in me that I was able to return and succeed. The 40’s in high-school chemistry were now A’s, and the striving to finally finish that degree was achieved.
Believing in someone is how they succeed. The intelligence possessed went unused because it couldn’t be accessed over the pain. Even the right to live was questioned due to feeling less than others.
As a child no one helped to process the traumas occurring. When that happens a person deals with the ramifications for life. Trauma is internalized and does permanent damage; PTSD symptoms, depression, eating dysfunction, trust issues, and so much more.
It has taken a lifetime to get those dirty hands off me, to feel free of it, and to live in peace. It took persistence, energy, money, and a great amount of fortitude to overcome what could be worked through. The rest is faced daily with as much aplomb as possible.