Courage, Persistence, Fortitude

At eight years old, already victim to my eldest brother creeping up in the night sticking his tongue into my vagina while sleeping, Tom continued his onslaught via diabolically sly methods even while everyone was around.

No one noticed, cared or defended me, or if they did must have considered it normal. His attitude, sneering remarks, and ostracizing efforts persisted throughout the years. Praise was lauded on him due his accolades of becoming a lawyer like our father, then becoming partner in a law firm.

I tripped along barely making it, failing three classes in 10th grade needing summer school to keep up with classmates. The relentless barrage of innuendos cut deeper than all the other sexual attacks by three other brothers during childhood, and caused the most damage to already flagging self-esteem issues. 

His quest for vengeance tore into my psyche like shredding paper. You could blow through me as if I were tattered cloth. The ongoing subtle destruction affected all facets of my being with the added vileness of his enjoyment while doing it.

In college I finally dropped out at the end of the second year, one paper short in one class, unable to earn an Associate’s degree. It wasn’t until 20 years later, with Raymond’s help and belief in me that I was able to return and succeed. The 40’s in high-school chemistry were now A’s, and the striving to finally finish that degree was achieved. 

Believing in someone is how they succeed. The intelligence possessed went unused because it couldn’t be accessed over the pain. Even the right to live was questioned due to feeling less than others. 

As a child no one helped to process the traumas occurring. When that happens a person deals with the ramifications for life. Trauma is internalized and does permanent damage; PTSD symptoms, depression, eating dysfunction, trust issues, and so much more.

It has taken a lifetime to get those dirty hands off me, to feel free of it, and to live in peace. It took persistence, energy, money, and a great amount of fortitude to overcome what could be worked through.  The rest is faced daily with as much aplomb as possible. 

12 thoughts on “Courage, Persistence, Fortitude

  1. The truth of abuse is so hard to read. It is so repulsive what a man can do. What men do. But I will read it because it was your life and you never should have been left to the hands of those men EVER.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are a strong woman with such drive.
      My little girl needs to tell. :She’ needs to tell over and over again. “She’ has held it in far too long.
      If I had the guts to speak at lectures, I’d tell, and tell and tell. It is only in the telling that others may finally take their hands off their ears, and open their eyes. It is happening in their homes by their husbands, sons, and uncles.
      All of me thanks you.

      Like

      1. Oh I keep telling. I just keep on and on and on and when I think nope I’m done then just more comes. The last poem I wrote was a little girl poem. I thought as soon as the truth was out that would be it but it never is. So many emotions come up daily.
        I just wanted you to know I hear you and I’m glad that you keep speaking it. I realized after I read your post how hard some of my posts are to read and I wanted to thank you for reading them even though they may be triggering

        Liked by 1 person

      1. …and you are one of the bloggers I’ve followed since I started here and almost always relate to on the deepest of levels. Thank you for sharing so much and, as a result, making me (and many others) feel so much less alone. xo

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Well, I thought I’d heard the best comment, then this. Thank you too, because it has been through blogging on-line where I have felt the deepest connections and most understood. Your sharing brings light to my day… : )

          Liked by 1 person

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