Though my circle of close people to relate to has narrowed since giving up work long ago, there are still pinpricks of hurt by some. Immaturity, lack of depth, jealousies, and the inability to see their own shortcomings may never rise to a place where I’m able to be close or comfortable with them. Yet their presence is permanent, and I have to accept that and be pleasant anyway.
It takes fortitude and a focus honed toward those that are worthy. Training my mind not to dwell on the lacking relationships is a challenge. Some behaviors seem intentional. The addition of vindictiveness, whether the person is conscious of it or not, adds a dimension of pain compounded, scratching so deep and exquisitely familiar, swirling down into depths of memory which evoke wounds unhealed.
And that may be the real culprit, wounds unhealed that block my ability to see the light now; to let go of the shortcomings of others that are not what my brothers had done, but are just that, shortcomings. To be light and gay in the face of what feels like what happened long ago is unfamiliar to me and may never come.
Great effort, determination and continued work goes into diverting my thoughts towards those that matter, those that possess depth, and who reciprocate the love I feel for them. Other relationships may always be up and down no matter how hard I try to improve or deepen them. Maybe the best that can be done is to make a show of pleasantness, though true feelings seep through a veil of courtesy and cannot be disguised.