FEARS

the lake

It has taken almost an entire week to re-adjust to my quiet way of living. A full night’s sleep has finally returned. A good night’s sleep makes everything look better. All week the feelings brought fear. Tiredness will do that, and living in fear is not living.

Fears, like shadowy waves of Samuel dying, my death, feelings, because the needy little girl cries and sees things with dark eyes. Jealousies run rampant when a subconscious wish for another life. 

Having constant doubts makes me run from my own self. Yet if my feelings and thoughts can have holes, bring me down, and are so very human, can’t I forgive and accept the very same in others?

Yes, but it takes time. It is hard being around daughter’s-in-law who are so different, so normal. Though hesitating to use that word, it crops up often. Normal., warm, loving, able to self-advocate freely, promptly, and without pause or apologies. My tendency is to say nothing, take in hurts, then build resentments.

It makes me feel small, useless, and odd. It is hard to recover that feeling of wholeness when around two young women whose lives are so different and freer from how mine was; the hardships, the constant wish to die, the blackness, a hole so deep I was lost in it for years.

Social connections were limited and didn’t last because of the inability to speak up. When it became impossible not to, the other person was blown away and the friendship was lost forever. Social connections are limited now because my body tends to ramp up interfering with all other daily functions, especially sleep.

It makes me both sad and joyful. Joyful in that my sons have found women that are whole, not shattered by childhood trauma. But sad in that the dichotomy is so deep, life-long and cruel. I was not the lucky one to come out of childhood whole. Dirty hands clamped my being, and there is no way to make another reality, though as each one dies my being becomes lighter.

Accepting it once again takes time. Coming back home into my body, psyche and soul has been a slow process, letting go for umpteenth time of the wish it all hadn’t happened because it left challenges they don’t have and will never understand. A subliminal wish lurks below, that of a magical do-over, a chance to be like my daughter’s-in-law re-living my life without the tarry blackness.

It did happen. I’m different because of it. It is part of who I am, and I will not run.

 

7 thoughts on “FEARS

  1. I love how honest you are. Being sexually abused as a child is like being a bird whose wings have been cut short and can never fly. Seeing normal birds whose strong wings take them high in the air over trees, almost seeming to touch the clouds is a painful reminder of what we have lost, what was taken from us. We grieve for who we might have been. I try to console myself at these times by reminding myself that I got to have the child that I always wanted and, at twenty-six, he still likes to be around me — at times! Ha! My soul flies high at times when I hear singers share their souls in their music or musicians play the inspired notes of genius souls who have long ago left this earth. I read in your blog how nature affects you similarly. Writers sharing their minds and hearts in well-crafted sentences also thrill my spirit. I may not fly like a normal bird but my soul still can at times. Today I think I will make a list of what my abusers didn’t take away from me. Maybe, I’ll nail it to the wall over my bed and let out a cry of victory that I persevered and retrieved my soul from their clutches. (I didn’t do this alone, but through the love of some people and skilled therapists.) Anyway, this is for too long a comment (Ha!). Wishing you some highs today. 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Oh, your message made me teary. Your idea of listing what wasn’t taken is inspirational for me too, providing a turn around in thinking and an uplift in feelings.
      One thing to add to your list is your unique gift of deep compassion despite your own pain and struggles. Thank you so much… : ) You helped so much, just as you always do.

      Liked by 1 person

        1. Yes, it is an amazing balm to my soul and a ‘safe’ place where the kind of acknowledgment needed comes that can’t be found anyplace else. Thank you once again for the ongoing support.
          I do speak of raw feelings because, why not? Or why bother if not?

          Liked by 1 person

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