photo by Patricia

Such high expectations every day, and when not met the lapses are dreamt of in the night. Better to lick my lips in success than to fail. So pick up the pieces of failure and do better today.

My expectations are not too high. You can do this. You can care for your-self as if you matter and after a while you will feel it… not just try to.

Still residing is a wall between connecting with my body and feeling its workings, a frozenness. When thawed there is wholeness, but then the next moment not. The work continues; to remain open to all feelings, not run from them by icing, an unconscious response.

You will get there, and much has occurred to be present and feel safe. As one safe moment on top of another mounts, the risk taken to be here now seems worth it. But the ice is still needed for safety.

Though it is half a life, or less, the instinctual response is to freeze, numbing any connection to the body, with the mind going to that safe place so well known. 




photo by Patricia-lavender by Mother Nature

Self-love, self-compassion, self-caring, all hard won basic needs still hoping to nurture and grow even now at age 65… and to grow louder than the negatives that continue to take precedence. 

Negatives have been instilled more forcefully and thoroughly than self-love. The beast of negativity is combatted daily. That part of me is so loud, often presiding without realizing it, along with the damage caused non-stop.

This began at age 8, became bedrock, a part of my personality. You don’t change your personality this late in life, you deal with it every day. It is work, the effort needed for a peaceful, joyful life. 

Children properly provided for learn naturally to love themselves as they grow. And though challenges exist and stumbles are made, this basic need, to learn love, becomes part of who they are permanently. It is just there naturally.

Many children do not have this. Does that make others better? Or does it make the ones who work harder worthy of acknowledgment for their resilience, fortitude, courage and commitment?

The latter of course, but it does not change the work needed every day. The self-talk clatter needs cleaning up, and challenged by re-inserting more useful, accurate statements. It takes being present, and that is a challenge too.

Talking about these things is one thing. Having it become more than words is the miracle that over time, slowly, ever so slowly, a metamorphosis takes place. Parts connect, and sometimes a positive feeling arises as if a soft bubble pops. In wonderment that feeling is cherished. You are cherished when you decide to make it so.

The Child

Garden Mosaic

The meadow walks are becoming more and more interesting. Though the trees are blah, so much else is sprouting…booming really. While walking, thinking about the child I was, a sadness struck but left, not staying. To feel that for the child I was, is a good thing. To have compassion for self is a great step to wholeness.


Having It All

photo by Patricia

If close to dying the regrets looming largest would be about the ‘chatter’ which blocks enjoyment of the present moment to its fullest; the ifs, ands, and buts… who did what when and why they did it, taking my mind to negative places far away.

Another? Becoming aware of the goodness inside, owning it, feeling it.

Realizing these deep cravings in this moment, right now, along with the knowledge that from one moment to next life could end, provides an opening into the present moment where these precious commodities can be absorbed.

You can feel whole. You can feel ‘good.’ You can have all that you have searched for and desired all your life, and you can have it now.


My Secret Garden

Must you rush through one thing to get the next? As keeper of my own time, slow down. Feel the brush tips massage your scalp as it glides across. Moisten your skin carefully for the day ahead and apply drops to nourish your eyes. Then move on.

The tendency to move ahead, rushing while doing the present task, needs adjustment. Be in the moment, that’s where wholeness happens.

Be Who You Are

photo by Patricia

Push, push, push. Maybe that is why sleep is interrupted after a long, miraculous period of a solid eight hours every night. And making excuses for a quiet life to my son, as if there is something odd or different about making choices that align with my needs.

It is in my own mind where these doubts grow from one seed of thought into a worrisome problem. Embrace your life. Stand by it. Enjoy it.

A Crisis?

5-7 years old?

A steady low thrumming curdles below, the static from its electricity making an uncomfortable current which vibrates. Breathe deeply. One moment erratic, paranoid, insecure, the next, working at self-assurance hoping to go deeper into the interior rooms— past the anxiousness, to where peace is found…where the wholeness of being, along with achieving mastery over my pettiness, comsumes the anxiety engulfing me in soul calming waters.

Working in the studio soothes even while Samuel is on his cell trying to fix this new problem, no home phone. It’s possible my decision about trying a new phone service has made it impossible to retrieve the phone number we’ve had for over 50 years. Is this a crisis?

The crisis coming to a head and needing my attention is the way I attack myself over any mistake. It is not healthy. It is what I’ve done since the age of 8 after the sexual attacks by siblings began.

There are a few snapshots of before attacks began. It was also before the sudden death of my father; a skinny little blondie with a lolly-pop in her mouth making sandcastles on the beach, wisps of hair in the breeze, and contentment matching the magnificence of the sunshine and sparkling waves ticking my toes.