Let Them Fall

photo by Patricia

Tears slide down my cheeks even with Samuel sitting nearby. The salty wash has not occurred recently so letting them fall as long as needed clears debris and helps heal. 

Again this morning tears come, a warm quiet stream, and that’s OK. Frozen from getting through winter, the thaw is near. Like the birds building nests outside, my body and soul prepare for light. 

Let the tears fall, for whatever reason, even if not knowing why. Settle into the soul and let it be.  Gratitude replaces sorrow.


Black Thoughts

photo by Patricia

Maybe it’s March as winter drags on… my thoughts are dreary, in need of light just as my skin, bones and entire body craves it. In autumn this fall from a pleasantness in being drops to a low hard to accept yet impossible to avoid.

There is nothing to be done about this change in brain chemicals though efforts are fastidiously consistent in the hopes to combat it; full spectrum lighting, exercise, Vit D supplements, adequate rest… Yet mostly it is just there and no way around it.

For a person with a tendency towards black thoughts, light is needed. 

The Why of Here

photo by Patricia

Another foot of snow, thank you. Though pretty as it frosts the trees with thick icing, sparkling as my footfalls trace the imprints in the path, my wings feel clipped. The soaring Spring usually brings will have to wait, as restlessness darts tumultuously in my internal workings.

With patience tested, another day will fill up mostly spent inside. How to make it fruitful, enjoyable and satisfying. You need not conquer the world, as the question of ‘why are we here’ shuffles in now and then. You are here, and just being is enough. Stay with you and move wholly. That is the gift.

Reclaim Your Soul

photo by Patricia

Waking in a haze of loneliness that was once felt exquisitely sharp, it took a while for it to dissipate. Sipping a strong cup of coffee chased it away while reading daily quotes used to bolster positivity each morning. Groundedness replaced the fog as my center was found and felt.

A life spent away from myself is no life. Somehow the robot buttons were pushed and the things that meant most were done and accomplished. Now peace is yearned for, because experiencing moments of connectedness and ease makes it my new normal. Veering from it almost daily, the need brings me back into myself, a place I ran from and never stayed.

And how could one stay inside themselves when the parts are shattered and strewn around like so much dust? That pit felt scary, it was where the monsters lived.

 She brought them out, one by one, shot them down, and reclaimed her own soul…


The Gentle Judge

photo by Patricia

It’s OK, you’re OK, the mantra as March test my tattered patience. Wanting to accomplish so much in a day but not being able to is discouraging. The pace required to keep all realms of my being together is a slow one. Remember, you decide what is enough. Nobody around you knows how hard it is to stay in one piece because that is their gift, not mine.

It takes constant diligence to pay attention to the blessed feeling of wholeness that eluded me most of my life. It is fleeting now if not worked on. Pause, rest, and like a magnet all the parts come home, the emotional, spiritual and physical body. If stepping ahead of any part in attempts to do more than can be done, like a trigger effect wholeness scatters. Life becomes robotic. 

It’s frustrating wanting to do more, but perhaps take a look at what you do accomplish? What satisfies you most? Do that, and don’t push for more because what satisfies is enough. Let the soft, gentle judge reign. 

The Burden

photo by Patricia

Waking in the dark morning fear is felt. It’s not helpful to go to sleep thinking about the family of origin, how separated and completely cut off my life is from any one of them. The heart beats quick with a desolation that is hard to bear.

Usually the feelings are tucked away, compartmentalized and not thought of much. The break sends me adrift on a jagged iceberg exploring freedom with courage unparalleled.

Yet in the dark of night thoughts sometimes go to the family unit with its memories. Wistful for what never was, in dreams the wishes come, which causes waking to be so frightful. Stark aloneness comes with consciousness.

Breathe. Calm that anxious heart. It’s OK. You’re OK. Better than OK. Free from the locks of pretense or shame, the person inside is discovered and evolves. The burden of fakery gone, my shoulders and entire being relaxes.