SELF-PRESERVATION

photo by Patricia

It is not intentional to put forth a plan that is sure to fail. It is a lack of acceptance of what truly can be accomplished, going full speed ahead with a fairy plan for the person I wish I was or could be. Friends are termed ‘Energizer Bunnies’ because even at 70 they work full time and still have energy for evening activities and outings. The thought is draining, why not me?

Wanting to feel ‘normal’ means that the least that can be achieved is caring for my son and his family when they visit. A whisper inside was trying to voice differently.

“No, you don’t have to cook or bring anything. There is tons, just tons of food,” I chirped to my son on the phone before his arrival.

“But I thought we’d cook for ourselves?” he asked surprised.

On other visits I’d learned just how hard it was to meet their vegan/gluten free restrictions. After one visit where I’d mixed up things, failure caved in along with great stress. Plans were made for the next visit that they would do some cooking.

My breezy answer this time kept me in the kitchen cooking, cleaning, and doing even more cooking and then more cleaning. It seemed never ending.

The stress of handling interactions in a way that makes me feel good, and isn’t a knee jerk reaction, was already incredibly difficult draining energy and deflating stamina. Providing a mother who is present and acts her age is a great gift and is enough. But no, you had to do more, you had to do it all, the impending negative voice beats down.

It continues to astound me how people can travel, visit with others, travel again the next day then do something that night with others… and the list goes on. My needs crave quiet routines and even those can disturb balance as alert bells go off easily. Those needs were ignored.   

It is not my wish that sons live here on their own tied to their mother. Who wants that? Yet a deep instinctual undercurrent exists that scratches up clawing …yes I do. I want my babies because what else is there? 

No wonder the tiredness took over and stayed for almost a week. It was my own doing. It is not my custom to put my needs first. To be present and offer a mother who engages wholly is enough. Try to remember that. Even if others aren’t aware of the work that involves it is enough that you know.

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