photo by Patricia

Solitude once brought a constant backdrop of a loneliness few understand unless you were a child abused and kept the horrors locked down for the family’s benefit. That kind of loneliness, where others aren’t aware of the traumatic past swallowed, keeps a being apart from others even if in a room full of them. A long enough life, but with treacherous, arduous routes, allowed me to find the path back to myself. But often the way still becomes lost. 

Growing up with traumas unprocessed does things to a body that becomes chronic. As a body ages equilibrium becomes harder to maintain unless the damaged systems are given the care necessary to keep harmony. But how does she provide herself with was is needed when it looks so different from others and no one knows why?

So she keeps trying to keep up and her body takes the hit. Over and over my body was barraged with cortisol throughout my life until the well ran dry and a chronic tiredness prevails. The immune system was not made to be on high alert every day many times a day.

I crave my solitude and am grateful each day to have it. I do not feel lonely for anyone except too often for myself. With any stimulation over too long a period my body systems go on alert. Most shut down not working properly for days. Contact is lost with all parts of myself, physical and spiritual.

Digestion goes haywire, feelings are numbed, and confusion presides. To return to normal where homeostasis is enjoyed takes precedence and determination. Quiet the hounding voices that toll negativity. SILENCE!

Why is the torpedo of messages only negative and nasty? Partly because whatever has stimulated my system took focus off the work and everything went out of whack. Sometimes it takes many days, even a week to recover depending how long the stress went on.

You can’t cook. You can’t sleep like others. You can’t keep up like he can, she can, they can. You can’t, can’t, can’t, can’t.  The thunder won’t stop haranguing me until solitude, peace and quiet bring back the soft voice so easily lost in turmoil or under duress. 

It still is surprising how easily my systems get affected and how long recovery can be until all parts come ‘home’ working together again. It is hard to accept. Being a fighter keeps acceptance and good health at bay. Time alone with the focus on my own unique needs brings back the peace craved. 


5 thoughts on “CHRONIC PTSD

  1. I totally resonate with what you have written. My fatigue is so chronic from hypervigilance that I only get in a few hours a day in which I am able to accomplish my simple yet beautiful routines. Some days I push and everything goes down hill fast. I have really learned to be gentle with my significant needs and have moved through to self care most of the time. I too still have some days where I just have to wait for the mental, physical and emotional resonance to happen for me. However, it comes quicker and that brings me great delight and peace. Thanks for you sharing. I always love to read your blogs.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I also suffer from PTSD and the physical cost is so high. This perfectly describes the feelings of inadequacy and self-loathing when you feel you can’t keep up, as well as the physical suffering, that goes along with it. Thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

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