Waking in the night, she’s not there.

Waking in the morning is even harder. No one to welcome me with purring, and a soft greeting rubbing my toes, waiting for her breakfast, making circles around me.

Each thing we shared is now done alone and has to be lived through. It is hard. We had an uneventful last day. With Samuel at work my feelings were mine to feel and tears washed the puzzle I worked on as Molly curled up near me in front of stove.

A chill ran through me though the air was warm. Upping the heater fan, patting her head as she raised an eye nestled in a ball on the rocker, she knew I was close and not going far. We stayed that way most of the day. The morning sedative eased her raspy labored breathing and when the vet came late in the afternoon she was curled up on my lap.

A jolt from the sharp prick of the needle administering a sedative made her jump off my lap. Her legs gave way as the medication hit making it easy for the vet to replace her on my lap to give the final injection. She was already fully out and went peacefully.

Dr. Marsha tenderly placed her in the box on the soft blanket, her first rattle toy, and a sprinkling of catnip. Marsha hugged me and left. I sat next to Molly awhile. She looked as if sleeping cutely as ever with her paw partly over her face.

A mixture of relief, sadness, and a defiance towards death are with me. Two or three times I laid my hands on her caressing her soft body still warm. Then the blanket was gently wrapped over her after Samuel came home.We carried lanterns, Molly, and a shovel down to creek.

“Bye Molly,” Samuel says, laying her with love into the soil near the lilies.

My little friend is gone, no longer in pain, but what shall I do without her?


Soft Voice

Wear a coat of harshness or a one of furry warmth?

The daily goal as this body ages is to care for it in all spheres; arm exercises, walking, meditating, core exercises, and eating healthfully. Attention to the mind and spirit takes me to the studio for creative pursuits along with daily writing.

The reward for meadow laps is sitting in the Adirondack chair listening to the cold wind blow, the twitter of what few birds stay for the winter, and the water as it falls over the beaver dam; pleasures, but also a balm for weariness, a replenishment for the soul and a necessity for health. 

Too often one of these isn’t accomplished, or another isn’t done right falling short, and the harsh voice begins to bang unless it’s met with a softer more realistic one. Listen to the soft voice, coax it out, let it grow strong.

Garden path stones, one of four to embed into the little garden path next spring.

Colors and Light

Although attempts were made before the time change, my body will not adjust and at 5 am it is time to rise. So sweet it was to sleep till 6 before the bi-annual change of the clocks. Yesterday’s temperatures hit the mid 50’s and all day brilliant sunshine called me onto the porch several times just to sit and soak it up.

Sun beams came into the living room setting the Christmas tree alive with sparkle sending prisms upon the wall in a colorful dance. Putting up the tree a week early brought out the child to play and remember. Its colorful glow when I awake in the morning invites me into each day alighting the dark with a peaceful feeling.


My life is quiet in many ways others might judge as boring. Sometimes it feels restraining and a yearning arises for travel farther than the grocery store or mall and a larger circle of acquaintances. Then the reality of my challenges along with the freedom and ability to face them gently quickly dissipates the moments of despondence. And maybe it’s not others who judge, but me.

Push, push, push, do, do, do. There are things in a day to get done. Yet my body on some days resists and hurts. So disconnected to it and annoyed with its frailties, the tendency is to ignore it. Pushing through leaves me more disconnected by day’s end, confused, ungrounded and bereft. A great need swallows me voraciously looking for something to fill the holes where I’ve left myself.

Coming back to the moment and to myself is so simple and sounds easy yet for a person who has a lived her life with great disconnect it takes effort every time, and in every moment. Where are the eyes full of love and grace?

In the mirror there is only a tired ghost of a hard edged woman. When connections are made to the pathways of spirit, soul, body and mind, the reflection softens. The person looking back emits a light that is inviting, fluid and likable. 

The tendency is to run, the work is always to stay.


Writing here the past several years has offered great personal growth. But also camaraderie along with support that goes much deeper than other relationships.

For a survivor of childhood sexual abuse it is the perfect way to be close, feel close, and not really be physically close. Hence safe. At the same time my mind envisions a party where everyone meets. Here is where there is more family than ever before. What a great party that would be.

In America we celebrate Thanksgiving today and my thoughts go to fellow bloggers with thankfulness and gratitude. May peace come to all even amidst the noise…


Pumpkin spice coffee brewing, Christmas music softly playing, candles flickering, and decorations offering a gentle colorful sparkle, something still pulls at me on this dark morning the day before Thanksgiving.

You are you own entity. A life of leaning into others reality because there was no connection to my own has evolved. Looking within instead of looking to others for worth, acceptance and answers is a new way of being offering wholeness, groundedness, and autonomy. Yet it also comes with responsibility.

Instead of feeling bad about everything because essentially “I am bad,” one looks for where they really do need work and really did make mistakes. And not with an overwhelming “I am bad” mentality, but with a realistic view of themselves; that we all are human and are flawed, imperfect and often messy.

So look within and forgive because then you can forgive others for the same flaws that may look different but are very human.