The Vital Truth

today’s blooms

If the adults around the child sexually abused turn toward her at the time of the attack(s), allowing expression, offering love, protection and sympathy, the child can move forward without the strictures of self-blame.

In most cases, or the majority of them, because it is a family member who has attacked the child, the shame of the family silences the child. In their silence, and shaming her to remain silent, she takes it in. Shame becomes part of her. Her personality is formed around that black boulder embedded deeply in her psyche… and there to stay.

As an adult I can go to therapy and hear the words, “you are not bad.” So intellectually that fact is known, but not felt. In my core I learned otherwise. Shame is the bedrock of my being.

“I am bad, it is my fault, because of me this thing happened…” always my first response in every situation even those that have nothing to do with me. I will find a way back to what I could have done that would have prevented a negative outcome.

Raymond, a previous therapist, called it ‘personalization.’ I call it a life-long albatross to lift up daily and throw out.. A child can survive the attacks. It is what comes after that kills. No intervention comes.

A child can heal and move forward if helps comes. Everyone in the family can. 

The attacks in childhood leave me with a lifetime of work challenging that very damaging concept.

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12 thoughts on “The Vital Truth

  1. I always think the same thing. It does not matter how many people tell me it’s not my fault, although my intellect tells me that’s true, but myfeelings about it are disconnected.
    Nice post and gorgeous flowers.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Albatross. That is a great word for this. It is one thing to intellectually know something and another to feel it, to truly KNOW it. I hate that you deal with this everyday. I wish there were a magic potion that could get rid of this albatross for all of us. Thank you for being so honest and real in your writing. Xx💟

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I hadn’t thought of (story being different but same concept) the idea of someone being available to me to provide the nurture & let me express, etc… like you said… when I was a child, wow what a difference that would have made… It hurts to “go there”

    Me too, with I can tell myself and know in my mind the truth but terribly frustrating the heart won’t budge in believing it… That’s a part that I hold a lot of anger at myself in my heart not listening to my mind and allowing me to move on and live what is true… hope that made sense… Great post, really spoke to me!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. From habit my first thoughts of ‘self’ tend to be harsh. Things began to shift many years ago when following a therapist’s advice about looking at a little girl my age when the attacks began. I still need to work on this and pay attention to it daily. A personality tends to stay once formed.
      I wouldn’t blame a child in any way. I always wanted to be younger thinking that would mean I was less to blame, a fallacy. A child never is at fault.
      Looking at any young girl, even if in her teens, I know that others will manipulate with focused cruelty, and she is still not to blame. The brain is not fully developed until the age of 25.
      Others are diabolical in their quest to satisfy their lust. The young and innocent are vulnerable.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. It is still difficult to know if I’m being hard on myself or if it’s appropriate to see when I could have done better. Habits are hard to change especially when they’ve been ingrained into one’s personality since childhood…hard but not impossible.
      That shame that once reddened my cheeks and made me want to hide just for being alive has passed though. I am glad to hear you are mostly free of it.

      Like

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