In honor of my niece, a massage therapist. Love, grief and loss erupted onto the frame 4 years ago after her death. She stayed with me until this trip to see Stevie. She now resides with them.
PARADOX: a situation, person, or thing that combines contradictory features or qualities.”the mingling of deciduous trees with elements of desert flora forms a fascinating ecological paradox”
It took a solid week for the cat to rest curled up in the corner, and for me to curl up in bed to sleep many consecutive nights in a row for both of us to begin interacting with each other and the environment again. She has recovered enough to nuzzle my finger with her nose and her eyes are present, and I’m able to respond with real feelings not robotically.
A paradox seems always present in my life. The opposites called ‘life’ feel too hard to manage sometimes, yet there they are. Holding precious memories close from being with our sons and their little babies over the Adirondack vacation will take precedence over the insanity from lack of sleep which took me away from my body and its sensory faculties.
It could be said it was a week wasted. Is your cup half full or half empty? Well both. It was a difficult struggle to maintain cordiality and look out for others emotional needs when my own were bare and had run dry, yet that extraordinary feat was accomplished.
Added to the stressful burden was being with my dear younger brother still coping with the loss of his beautiful daughter only four years ago. Being closer to them brought me closer to their grief, the weight of it potentially burying. How greedy of me to profess wanting space from their pain. I bring it home like a sad cloak feeling guilty for not wanting to feel it.
Processing it all takes time and help. God help me, as the soft breezes and twitters of birds’ calm my frazzled emotions. The losses in the group of people I was born unto is astounding; a brother, Dan, by suicide at 28, my niece only a few years ago, then a nephew about the same age a year later both not yet 30.
The neglectful, chaotic childhood affected all eight children in this group of people negatively and severely. The word family does not fit so I cannot use it. That is my history. My present is much different. I could run from my younger brother or try to be there. I chose being there.