Go to the Light

Angels-630x420

There is a part of me craving for family of origin. I dream of them, including Tom. Night after night ‘family’ enters my dreams, the wanting, the craving, the good parts of the past. Stories are concocted in the dreamworld that mimic my needs, stories that bring love and closeness. The yearning goes beyond my control into sub-consciousness. 

They interact with Tom, the abuser, more than with me in the real world. Two sister’s-in-law have acknowledged my pain, but none of ‘them.’

And they won’t. I am kept at arm’s length for a purpose, to shut me down and out. Niceties are shown to prove tolerance, a show of kindness, but no realness, no talking.

It is hitting a wall repeatedly because the wanting of family will exist till death. But my head hurts from the bruising. Go to the light. Live your life with those who want to live it with you.

The positive energy is not found from those who shut you down but those that bring light. Flagging self-esteem inside drives me to those who negate me. If you accept me, then I am alright and have finally made it. Step away from the black hole of a dark endless pit,

go to the light…

let go

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16 thoughts on “Go to the Light

  1. Oh Grace! I’ve been listening to you for months now. Thank you for this post. It’s so true that we must go to the light. My work at present is taking me to dark dark places and it’s all I can do to “see” the light. Let alone move towards it. Yes. Learn to be with those who validate you my friend. It’s hard though isn’t it? When you’re not used to validation ….By the way I’m loving the fluffy angel cloud! Take care xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It is so good to hear from you.
      Yes, it is a contradiction. I want the validation then don’t trust it or wonder what’s up.
      I do love that angel too and it made me stare at clouds yesterday thinking I saw one there too…
      Hope you can intersperse the dark work with some light, happy things even if simply baking a cake or taking a big bubble bath : )

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’ve been dreaming of my family. Ironic you posted this. I miss them. I really miss them. But none of them acknowledge anything. I just miss what I wish were but is not. I’m so sorry that this has happened to you. That they did not listen, rally around you, love you. I wish things were different.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. such a strong motivating force to seek validation, tis human nature to seek it and lift our self esteem gained from the approval and acknowledgement of others/family. Playing devils advocate, I would wonder would such validation coming from those that we work so hard to seek has value? when they themselves cannot accept their own fallibility? Seeking the light, I love that, so positive.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Thinking of you, “Grace,” as we enter into the day our nation celebrates freedom. Praying that we both continue to gain more personal freedom as we write and pursue other such therapeutic paths. I so admire your diligence in writing, and doing so with such transparency.

    As always, I love the photography you include in your posts.

    Blessings, peace, joy, and freedom,

    Renee

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Dear Renee,
      Thank you for the note which brought such warmth, hope and care.

      Yes, freedom. What a perfect way of describing this personal journey. Thank you so much.

      Blessings, peace, joy and freedom to you,
      Patricia

      Like

  5. I can identify with the yearning, it goes on and on. One day I was feeling left out of family parties, inside jokes, etc. It dawned on me if I was not related to these people they are not people i would choose to have in my life. They are just not nice people. I would have to shut down the kind, caring part of my heart to be part of their world and today that is too high a price to pay. Peace to you, it gets easier.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Wow. This is so relatable to me in this moment. I crave exactly as you. But I too am kept at arms length. To allow me back in would disrupt the system. I don’t have a role anymore…I have deviated from the routines and patterns and worshiping the person my father (my abuser) pretends to be. And the others can’t let go and accept the family system is flawed…so I am the flawed one. In fact, since I have been pushed out for calling out the abuse, they have all worked harder to maintain the picture of perfect, loving, supportive, and togetherness…a strong family bond for all to admire, and that also discredits me even more. It’s very interesting to watch. I don’t like going back, even though I crave it sometimes over the difficulty of accepting the truth. I know that I need to let this go and look forward to those who accept me and love me. Most days, I really don’t want to be associated with them. But some days that yearning reappears. I hope it gets easier over time.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You write so eloquently about a complicated situation that has so many layers and undertones, the depths of which correlate to the pain of it. Thank you for your honest, thoughtful response. It feels very much like my own situation.

      Liked by 1 person

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