photos by patricia
Get to the root causes of why you overeat. Yes. Feed this body so it works properly.
What about the psyche, emotions, and the soul that searches for something never found? These crucial parts still crave satisfaction and wholeness.
I eat anxiety. I eat to feel better about the little girl lost, unloved and unprotected who to this day struggles with self-esteem and so much more. It is a desire and basic need that will forever go wanting because no one can go back and make it right…or safe.
At 64 I am only just learning to be kind to myself. That is key. Yet the constant challenges of confronting that harsh voice inside remains and needs work daily questioning its validity.
Food soothes. Food quiets the voice. But then another voice booms even louder, “You are fat, you are bad!” but it is one I’m used to from the age of 8 when food numbed the horrors. I go in circles and circles.
Keep at it, keep trying.
Waking to the birds, the humidity is thick. Taking coffee to the patio, bare feet against the cool cement, the nesting mourning dove calls hauntingly and sweetly back to her mate sipping water at the birdbath. They are on nest two. At this rate they will have three families by summer’s end. A tranquility descends into my being.
Each day a mystery. Will you feel fear, or be OK? Tame the beast of impermanence. Each day a challenge wrestling with thoughts, turning them around, finding the peace restlessly craved; a quietness in the soul that when found allows textures to be felt, scents to be absorbed, and moments to be full…
Patricia J Grace 
I hear you. hugs
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Thank you.. You have supported me all along and I wanted you to know how much that has meant to me.
I wanted to ask you. You had commented on my email to Seth in that you thought it was written OK. His response seemed over the top to me. My take is that is one way those that call themselves family control me, by making any stand I make into a put-down, a really harsh one.
I wondered as an objective reader if that email was as stunning as he said, and he used the word vehement. Did you read it that way?
To me it is the way I’ve been controlled all along to keep me silent about what others won’t hear or listen to.
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I support you.
My take on a lot of what you say about your family and how you feel is that, you have reached a point of courageous honesty and wanting that honesty to be acknowledged within your family. Your families responses are typical, using anger, defense mechanisms (cruelty and put downs) to deflect the truth. In simple terms, truth hurts and Seth would rather not hear it, cos really listening to you would mean he would have to acknowledge his part played in your family history. you hear that saying “brush it under the carpet” – is to ignore, conceal, not deal with it (buts “its” always there under the carpet)
I would suggest that Seth understands exactly your email, and has used deflective reactions to not deal with it or acknowledge your truth, hence the word “vehement” is thrown in to pull the rug out from under you.
I am glad you are holding yourself up with your honesty, I am glad that you remain steadfast in your truth.
You are a wonderful writer, it is truly lovely that you can express yourself in words and your supportive community are listening to YOU
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Thank you so much for taking the time to comment and elaborate. It means a great deal to me as it’s hard to stand alone in my thoughts and feelings. I value your input and the validation confirms my gut feelings and my take on his choice of words. His comments match all his reactions over the years which were effective at silencing me when getting too close to the truth and honesty. That family uses sarcasm and joking rather than feeling, though feelings reside underneath it all anyway.
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