ANXIETY

~ grace to survive

photos by patricia

Anxiety spills from my pores quicker than blood. I mop it up with food and push it down, food that becomes tasteless and only quantity matters, enough of it until the quickened pulse and throbbing nerves are still.

It is a constant work feeding this body as it needs rather than feeding the tormented psyche that expects dread and doom at any moment. Each step, even in the quiet meadow, there can be danger lurking… A lion, goblin, or hooded monster? Just who do you think is behind that bush or around the corner?

The brothers of my childhood lie waiting.

A hole was torn into my bedrock of being, one that cannot be fused with strong bone. Up through the crack gurgles demons and terror. It cannot be stopped, it is always there waiting…

16 thoughts on “ANXIETY”

  1. ❤️sending love. I tried to find a broken heart emoji but I don’t use emojis much so I have no idea what is where. but my heart feels for you.
    the anxiety….if there was only one thing I could take away from what I am going through, it would not be the muscle disease or the lyme disease or the bone disease…it would be the anxiety…that is how bad it is and so I do understand.

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  2. Mopping anxiety up with food and burying it…..that is such a powerful image, and one I understand so well. It is work, everyday, it is work to eat right (and I don’t even mean a diet, or anything, just healthy, normal amounts of food). Anxiety is hard to handle, that overwhelming, all encompassing generalized anxiety is the hardest. I’m sorry you deal with this. Like Bethany, I wish I could take anxiety away from all of us, find a true cure for it. Xx

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      1. Yeah, let’s party and make the world go away . Leave it all behind, just have fun, who knows what celebrity types might show. I.m thinking a cross between Caddy Shack and a party at Andy Warhol’s on the night Jim Morrison walks in. Wild time. Time for everybody to break free. No judgment, pure fun and conversation. Look forward to seeing you there. M

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          3. You’re right about that. This happened on vacation in Maui with me ex, I’m claustrophobic and shore diving brings on anxiety. They area was very rocky and the water fast. Out alone no one would have found us unless saw the car. I had a hiking accident the day before and hurt myself really bad. Not that he noticed. This was the panic attach from heel, I’m 5’7″ and came close to drowning a 6’2″ man and myself. I will have to retrain to scuba after I’m well and spend extra time with instructor. It’s not natural to breath under water. This would mark a huge accomplishment.
            Thanks for touching base, I know you must understand panic attacks very well.
            M

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          4. Oh, now I understand better. Thank you for explaining.
            Yikes. You had quite a scare!
            I can hold my breath and swim underwater but not using a snorkel and definitely NOT using an O2 tank. I give you great credit for working on both.

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          5. Now my biggest challenge not on list is driving and leaving house for close to three years. My anxiety is up however my husband brought home a new car last week. I don’t know how I am anymore after being so sick and close to death. It’s a strange position really.
            Have a great week.
            M

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  4. Hello, my friend i haven’t been on this site in a while. Sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. You’re writing is always so inspiring, it helps to remind me that i am not fighting this alone, there are many of us on this journey. Thank you for that!

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